Your Stupid Is Showing

WEBVTT

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this motherfucker and you can edit that out if

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you want to are you fucking serious what do the

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rest of them hookers look like damn what the

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fuck did you do really perks your nipples up

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my nipples would bing you could go fork a yard

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and it would fork it up bad that is forked up

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i tell my dogs if you keep it up i'm gonna fuck

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you up they somehow understand that oh shit what

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That sounds like what PTSD is made of, Melinda.

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Don't try to gaslight me, motherfucker. I'm Jake

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Jacobs. This is Sammy. This is the Don. And you're

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listening to What The Fuck. Welcome to What The

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Fuck, the podcast where we say all the things

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you're thinking. But probably shouldn't. Today's

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guest is someone who's lived about five lives

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in one. She raised six kids, survived a divorce,

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and then built her own business in the Smoky

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Mountains of Tennessee, renting cabins and living

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her best entrepreneur life. She's funny. She's

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got stories. She's got grit. And trust me, she's

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got some serious what -the -fuck moments to share.

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Please welcome my friend, Melinda. Melinda and

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I met. I got hired to DJ her son's wedding, which

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was fantastic. The music was great because you

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did it. I mean, pat yourself on the back. So

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I have cabins and I have cleaners that take care

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of them, of course. When you're cleaning up after

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people, there's a lot you learn about them. A

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lot of it's too much information, but they leave

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the evidence and that's on them, right? So you

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get some laughs sometimes. In my cabin, I have

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these log beds. They're made. of logs. They're

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not dovetailed. There's screws involved and that

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sort of thing, but it's heavy duty logs. Heavy

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wood. And then cleaners will send pictures of

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any damage caused by guests or anything unusual

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requires extra cleaning. So I get this picture

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and this is a turn, which means people left at

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11. They got five hours to clean it at four o

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'clock. New guests are coming in. People coming

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in. Get it done. We got to get it looking brand

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spanking new, pristine by four o 'clock. clock,

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right? They sent me a picture of this bed. And

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when I tell you the bed was twisted, the logs

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were distorted in a way that I cannot describe

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adequately, but this had never happened before.

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It's never happened since. Nobody had informed

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me about a problem with the bed. So I reach out

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to them and I messaged the picture of this bed

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that is completely destroyed. And I said, Hey,

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my bed is broken. What they said next was, what

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the fuck? At the pro level, huh? Oh, yeah. They

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said, what's the weight limit on that bed? And

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I was like, I mean, two tons? It's a log bed.

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An elephant could probably sit comfortably on

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it. Absolutely. Like a baby elephant. What kind

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of fat ass? What kind of mental pictures does

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it bring to your mind? Like, how did this happen?

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They didn't try to explain it. They just said,

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what's the weight limit? And then they said be

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$1 ,200. I went and called the furniture store

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and I was like, get me a bed now. And they did.

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And we got it all ready for the next guest. So,

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so they didn't even deny it. They were just like,

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fuck it. Here's your 1200 bucks. We fucked this

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shit up for you. When they say the weight limit,

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I'm like, how many people doing what, you know,

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Cause it was, there's a lot of force involved.

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Was that a King size? It was a King size log

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bed. Holy. Yeah. Jesus Christ. That must've been

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one hell of an orgy. I was about to say, did

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they have an orgy with like 20 people? It looked

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like jumping was involved and I don't know what

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all, but I just, I try not to let my mind go

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too far down that road. Just fix it. Give me

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the money and I won't ask any more questions.

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It becomes irrelevant once the client says, yeah,

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we broke it. Here's your check. It's like, I

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don't give a shit after that. Now, just out of

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curiosity, bro, do you guys have video at all?

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Is there some fucking pictures or some video?

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Because I got to see this. Oh, my God. One of

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the funnier ones, too, was when the people call.

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and tell you what they did. I had people break

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a dining table. And I mean, it was like a dining

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table for like 10 people. It was pretty big.

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And it was only two people staying there. It

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was a larger cabin, but they got some money or

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something. And they're just going to party in

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this big cabin. And they call me. It's like 730.

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I'm going to dinner. They're drunk. And they're

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just like, I'm so sorry. We broke your dining

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table. And I was like, how did you do that? They

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were like, we're so sorry. We're drunk. And we'll

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just give you the money. And they paid $1 ,200.

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and bought me a brand new solid wood log table.

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They were willing to. They just fucking gave

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you that, like, please don't send us to jail.

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They were happy to pay it, and I was happy to

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get a new table, but I was just like, I mean,

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they broke the thing. They must have been dancing

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on it or who knows what all. So you never found

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out? No. Melinda, you've got to do a better job.

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You've got to get in there. You've got to dig.

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So if you know the table is $900. Right. They

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offer you toys. So you ask for fifteen hundred

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bucks. You're like, listen. For a video. For

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some details. They were so nice about it, too.

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And they were like, where did you get this coffee

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maker? We love this coffee maker. And this was

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the best mattress we'd ever slept on. And usually

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people are pissed about having to pay an extra

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$1 ,200 on top of everything else. But they didn't

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care. And so I love those kind of people. But

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when you're happy to do that. Like, break it,

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buy me a new one, and be happy about it. That's

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ideal. I did have one time this mother, which

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is against the rules, third part. party reservations

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where your mom, you're 18 and you want to go

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party with your friends and your mom gets your

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reservation as an adult and sends the kids out

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there to destroy the cabin. This happened one

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time. I think it was another $1 ,200 deal. And

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I mean, there was beer on the ceiling. They were

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chasing each other through the house. So they

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destroyed a coffee table and the door frames

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were broken. Like they'd lock themselves in a

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room and somebody's like trying to get in and

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all that stuff. And so, and I called the mother

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and she was like, I'm so sorry. Sorry. I was

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like, she paid for it, but it's like, what did

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this kid learn? You know, your mom's going to

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pay for it when you go and trash somebody else's

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house. Your mom's going to bail you out. Yeah.

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But you can't fix it for people. I had a kid

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leave a basketball as a joke inside the sofa

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bed, you know, where you fold it up and we unfold

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it to clean it and all this stuff. And this basketball

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just pops out. So that was pretty funny one.

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I've had five different firearms left at my properties

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and it pisses me off. It's like, if you have

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a. firearm and you can't remember to take it

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with you when you leave, then you should not

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have it. So they hide it. So they'll put it under

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the mattress or they'll put it in a dresser drawer

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under some blankets and then forget it. I had

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somebody call me. That's exactly right. It was

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in a kid's bedroom, like a bunk room. And they're

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like, we found this loaded gun in the dresser

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there. They said, we have guns, so we're not

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freaked out, but we're upset because a kid could

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have found this. And I was like, the police are

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on their way. The Gatlinburg police are amazing.

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They got there like within 15 minutes and took

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the fire. I mean, I've had my maintenance man

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deal with it, but I've had this call before.

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A wife calls. These people have been gone for

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like two hours. They're on the road. Instead

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of this guy owning up to. I left my gun behind.

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He has his wife call, you know? Well, my husband

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left his gun and he just wants to know if you'll

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ship it back to him. And I was like, I don't

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do that. No, that's not. Then I had to put it

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in my rental agreement. A rental agreement is

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like three pages long because of shit like this.

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You know, where it was like, if you bring a firearm,

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you're responsible to take it with you because

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I'm not shipping it. It'll be turned over to

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police and you can get it back from them if you

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want. I was always a big fan. Just call them

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up and belittle them a little bit. Just for sport.

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Hey, so, forget anything, did you? A little shame

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never hurt no one. Oh, yeah. And you get this

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customer service voice. I'm sure you guys have

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been in customer service. If they're being mean,

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you know, you kind of put on your Southern accent.

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Oh, honey, you know, we'll help you. We'll take

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care of you, Karen. Like, don't worry. We're

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going to get somebody over there. You know, try

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to. Pull it back a little bit and get, you know,

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you can manipulate people a little bit with the

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customer service voice. That's just a trade secret.

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Don't let that one out. Customer service, Sammy,

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is about two octaves higher than this. You know

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what I found in the hospitality business? The

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people that get into and prosper. are the most

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caring people you've ever met in your life. They

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really and truly want to do everything possible

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to make your experience as perfect as possible.

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All they want in return is just a little consideration,

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a little consideration, a little of the same,

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right? A smile, right? Just a little return on

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that. Smile investment, right? We're helping

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people go on vacation. What could be better?

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We want you to have the best time. And people

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should be happy, right? They should smile. And

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what you find a lot of times is that people have

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these unrealistic expectations. That the facility,

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everything should be perfect. I had somebody

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tell me it had dryer lint behind the dryer. And

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I was like, but have you seen the mountain view?

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Because I thought that's what you came for. I

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didn't know you came for the dryer lint. Well,

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don't go behind the dryer. Every toilet apparently

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is fair game. As far as if it's not going to

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clog up your toilet, you know, you'll just go

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clog up any toilet anywhere. You know, please

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do not flush baby wipes, puppies and kittens,

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hopes and dreams, you know, feminine products

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and all of that. Not dude wipes either. Yeah.

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Don't put dude wipes in there. Where do we do

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with the toilet paper? We can't flush the toilet.

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Put it in the fucking hole. That's why I won't

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let Jake be one of my customer service managers.

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See, you know, I would just be, why don't you

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go out into the woods where the bears shit? Or

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do that, actually. The bears? I had this lady

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cancel because she's like, I didn't know there

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would be bears. I'm like, this is why people

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come to Gatlinburg, because they want to see

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the bears. She's like, well, you know, I have

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kids. And so, you know, I have to cancel because

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bears are seen in the vicinity in Gatlinburg.

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That's the territory. walk by. That's the draw.

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You know, and I wanted to say, first of all,

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your kids are going to be really mad if they

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thought that they could have had bears walk by

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the cabin and you canceled it. That's what I

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wanted to say. True. But what I also wanted to

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say was, well, I mean, the bears have only eaten

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three children so far this season. So out of

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the thousands that have come, like statistically,

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you're probably fine. And they only eat kids

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that are under 50 pounds. So, you know, maybe

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just supervise them. You know, if there's an

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adult with them, they're less likely to get eaten.

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If they're well behaved, they say, those are

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the good ones. Believe in me. We just want the

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little shitheads. If your kids are naughty, you

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might want this cabin. We used to spend a lot

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of time there, and I was there for a conference

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one time. So we're sitting down on the patio

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eating dinner, and this big black bear, larger

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than you normally see, came running right across

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the... God, my wife is going, bear, bear, bear.

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This young man, and he was on vacation, clearly

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not from the United States, with this beautiful

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little girl, tiny little thing. And they were

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going out there to visit the bear. And I was

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like, do, do, do, do. I went out there and grabbed

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them. I ran down the stairs and grabbed them.

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I was like, uh -uh. You've got to stay 50 feet

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from them. Did you not get the memo about these

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fucking man -eaters? You leave them alone. They

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leave you alone. He had no idea what a bear was.

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We had people post on social media. It was not

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at my cabin, but one of these social media divas,

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this is what I'm doing. This is what I'm wearing.

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This is what I'm putting on my face. They were

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feeding pizza to the bear that had come up on

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the porch and posting live. Of course, wildlife

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got called on them. know you get fined i mean

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there are laws yeah you're not supposed to do

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that yeah so you don't fuck with the bears don't

00:12:18.250 --> 00:12:21.529
play with the bears i had one in my car and i

00:12:21.529 --> 00:12:25.190
mean that sucker was waiting for me because i

00:12:25.190 --> 00:12:27.509
went up to a cabin i wasn't in there 10 minutes

00:12:27.509 --> 00:12:30.110
and i hadn't locked my car i was in there with

00:12:30.110 --> 00:12:32.110
my daughter i hadn't locked my car which is one

00:12:32.110 --> 00:12:34.570
of the rules we tell people lock your car no

00:12:34.570 --> 00:12:36.149
food in the car luckily i had no food in the

00:12:36.149 --> 00:12:39.350
car because i'd left my keys in the car too She

00:12:39.350 --> 00:12:43.029
sees the bear in the car. And so we go to the

00:12:43.029 --> 00:12:45.929
door and are trying to scare the bear. Get out

00:12:45.929 --> 00:12:48.330
of here. Get out of here. And the bear cares

00:12:48.330 --> 00:12:51.620
not. that it's being yelled at it's in there

00:12:51.620 --> 00:12:55.299
looking for food going through the car so i go

00:12:55.299 --> 00:12:58.700
running up to the car and open up the hatch kind

00:12:58.700 --> 00:13:00.919
of like let's make sure you have an escape because

00:13:00.919 --> 00:13:02.759
if they get trapped in the car if they pull the

00:13:02.759 --> 00:13:06.639
door shut they will tear your interior like they'll

00:13:06.639 --> 00:13:09.500
panic and just tear everything they will total

00:13:09.500 --> 00:13:12.860
your car So I opened up the hatch and then I

00:13:12.860 --> 00:13:15.440
ran around. I'm yelling at her. And then I opened

00:13:15.440 --> 00:13:18.259
up the passenger door and I got in and grabbed

00:13:18.259 --> 00:13:21.259
my keys. And on my keys, I have a noisemaker.

00:13:21.299 --> 00:13:24.309
It goes. And then she figured out there was no

00:13:24.309 --> 00:13:26.610
food in there. So she just gets out, lumbers

00:13:26.610 --> 00:13:29.090
off into the woods. And, you know, when you see,

00:13:29.129 --> 00:13:31.110
like, you know, the claws are going to tear up

00:13:31.110 --> 00:13:33.529
your car. So I was like, I'm the stupidest person

00:13:33.529 --> 00:13:36.230
ever. I didn't lock my car. But she must have

00:13:36.230 --> 00:13:38.309
just been waiting there at the edge of the woods.

00:13:38.809 --> 00:13:41.110
Just, you know, like they know, like this is

00:13:41.110 --> 00:13:43.950
part of their MO now. They know where the people

00:13:43.950 --> 00:13:45.570
are. They know where the food is. They know how

00:13:45.570 --> 00:13:47.789
stupid we are. They just go and help themselves.

00:13:48.210 --> 00:13:50.169
The one other story I was going to tell about

00:13:50.169 --> 00:13:54.590
some cabin damage. that was kind of unique was

00:13:54.590 --> 00:13:58.100
the base of a toilet was... Broken, shattered,

00:13:58.440 --> 00:14:02.860
destroyed by a pool ball. Nice. Yeah. So figure

00:14:02.860 --> 00:14:06.179
out how that one happened. Kids just were hurling

00:14:06.179 --> 00:14:09.720
them at each other and hard enough to break the

00:14:09.720 --> 00:14:11.960
whole base of a toilet. Those are hard. Why would

00:14:11.960 --> 00:14:13.279
you chuck them at each other? You had to replace

00:14:13.279 --> 00:14:15.100
the whole toilet and you got to pay for that.

00:14:15.159 --> 00:14:17.720
Was that $1 ,200 by any chance? No, toilets are

00:14:17.720 --> 00:14:21.720
much cheaper than that. That's an expensive shitter.

00:14:22.889 --> 00:14:25.629
120 bucks, like it's a whole ceramic thing, you

00:14:25.629 --> 00:14:27.649
know. Yeah, yeah. They're pretty cheap, but,

00:14:27.649 --> 00:14:29.690
you know. 120 bucks for the toilet, 500 bucks

00:14:29.690 --> 00:14:31.509
to get the plumber to install that bitch. Sometimes

00:14:31.509 --> 00:14:34.409
there's an upcharge for being rude or. Absolutely.

00:14:34.409 --> 00:14:36.809
Or the inconvenience charge or something like

00:14:36.809 --> 00:14:38.929
that. Stupidity charge. If your name or your

00:14:38.929 --> 00:14:41.740
story makes it to a what the fuck episode. You

00:14:41.740 --> 00:14:43.600
fucked up somehow. You kind of did. And you can

00:14:43.600 --> 00:14:46.480
probably laugh about it. I mean, that's what

00:14:46.480 --> 00:14:50.080
our country needs as much as anything is being

00:14:50.080 --> 00:14:52.559
able to laugh at ourselves again. One of my favorite

00:14:52.559 --> 00:14:55.720
reviews was the lady said, we found and used

00:14:55.720 --> 00:14:58.159
Band -Aid, but it turned out to be my nephew's.

00:14:58.200 --> 00:15:00.080
Okay, well, then why the fuck did you post that?

00:15:00.080 --> 00:15:01.820
Why bother even telling me? Why did you post

00:15:01.820 --> 00:15:05.340
that? She posted it. To me? Oh, my God. You're

00:15:05.340 --> 00:15:05.980
as stupid as showing.