April 1, 2025
What The Duck (Season 1 Finale)
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Jake, Don and Sammie wrap up Season 1 with some funny and serious WTF moments. Please leave us a review or send us an email at wtfpodcast24@gmail.com!
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Which means he probably has a small penis. God
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damn it. It's not what his wife says. Janky ass
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puzzle piece. Tweet, tweet, motherfucker. Look
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at my new knife. I used it to do surgery on my
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box. Yeah, don't say that. Sammy, please. I did,
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I had to cut up a box. Unless you're talking
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about dick size and we always round up anyway.
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Yeah, and I'm Irish, so she's dumber than me.
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Wow. I'm Jake Jacobs. This is Sammy. This is
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the Don. And you're listening to What the Fuck.
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Hey, what's up, everybody? Welcome to the season
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one finale of What the Fuck, the podcast where
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we say all the things you're thinking but probably
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shouldn't. That's right. This is the Don, and
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I'm here with Sammy and Jake. Kind of shocking,
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but we're wrapping up the first season. The only
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way we know how, and that's absolutely zero filter
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and a whole hell of a lot of opinions. You think?
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Yeah, Don, we've talked about everything from
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OnlyFans, Lily Phillips, bad bosses, and, you
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know, probably offended a couple people along
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the way. But, I mean, you signed up for that,
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right? So grab a drink, buckle up, and let's
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get into it one last time this season. Welcome
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to the season finale of What the Fuck. I got
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a what the fuck about driving, if I may. Oh,
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absolutely. Let's hear this. We've been very
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blessed in our life. We have nice things. And
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my wife drives a Toyota TRD Pro Tacoma with all
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the bells and whistles. This thing is blacked
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out fucking sweet. It's definitely a dude truck.
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It used to be mine, but she wanted it. I think
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it was Friday, maybe. She says, hey, I got to
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go to PetSmart to go get some shit for the dogs
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and the cat. Like, okay, well, have fun. Do you
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need anything? No. She's gone for about an hour.
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I get a phone call or a text. Somebody hit my
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truck in the parking lot and took off. Goddamn.
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You fucking serious? This is why we can't have
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that shit. Walk your ass in there and tell them
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to pull the footage. Well, the thing is, it was
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parked in a place with no footage. I was so pissed.
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I just get bent out of shape mad, and I'm mad
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at everybody else. So this fucking person, I
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guess they smashed into her truck, and it's the
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front. And if you guys know anything about it,
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the 2019 Tacoma has this. very exaggerated kind
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of look at me front end on it, you know? Yeah.
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And it's made out of this rubber plasticky shit.
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So somebody whacked it. My wife is mortified.
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She's afraid I'm going to fucking come unhinged,
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which I kind of did. And it had nothing to do
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with that. It was just like, oh, you know, you
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know how ADHD folk like to feel sorry for ourselves
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sometimes. You know, can I just have some peace
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in my life? Goddamn, some bullshit every fucking
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day. In any case, so I'm sitting here kind of,
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you know, feeling sorry for myself, just pissed
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off the world. And I remembered I saw a video
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one time about how to fix this plasticky rubber
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shit. with boiling water. So I have this fucking
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kettle, this electric kettle, heated up the bowl
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of water. Oh, because it, memory, muscle memory.
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Fuck yeah. So you heat that shit up. And in any
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case, that didn't work because this is some pretty
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thick stuff. This is on the front, but it's solving
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it up enough. So I remembered I got this. Super
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duper hairdryer, this heater for shrink wrap
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and things like that. And I pulled a couple of
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bolts out where I could get my hand inside the
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fender to that thing, heated it up with this
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thing. And in 10 minutes, I had this fucking
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thing popped up and fixed like you read about
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and then put it all back together. It literally
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took 20 minutes to do the whole job. And so I
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had two what the fucks there. And folks, remember,
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this is part of our therapy sessions internally.
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That's true. One of the what the fucks is what
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happened to you as a child? you would hit somebody's
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vehicle and then fucking leave like a pussy.
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I hate you and I hope you hang. And then the
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other what the fuck was, Don, you can fix anything.
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Why do you get so pissed off? Yeah, that was
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a big what the fuck, man. If you hit somebody's
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vehicle, just try to be honest about it. Leave
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a card or something. I had a kid run back into
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my truck at a bar one night. We were somewhere
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in Tennessee and this bar is packed. This kid
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literally came in. hunted me down. Hey, sir,
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do you own the black truck out there? I says,
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yeah. He said, I backed into it. You know what
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happened? Whoa. I walked out there. I looked
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at my truck. It was another one of those little
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plasticky things. I knew I could fix it. I looked
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at him. He was not toasted, but he was, he had
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probably had a few drinks. And I was like, I'll
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tell you what, dude, because you're honest. Why
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don't you get in that little brown car and go
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to fuck on home and don't ever mention this again
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and stay out of trouble. This is not worth a
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life sentence for you. you know, 10 ,000 bucks
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or whatever a DUI cost. That's all I ask is for
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people to just to be, I don't know, adulty sometimes.
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Well, the fact that he was honest about it and
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sought you out to tell you that there alone.
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He came through the bar and he didn't know it
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was me. So he went through a lot of people. I
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mean, this could have been a giant source of
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embarrassment and he could have just as easily
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hauled and no one would have known. And he could
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have just as easily, as soon as he realized that
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it was you and he saw you, he could have easily
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said, no, I'm good. But he didn't. I mean, he
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came up, he said, sir, do you have a black truck?
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I'm like, do I look like a guy that has a black
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truck? Yes. Okay. So anyway. Don! I didn't say
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that. I was like, yes, sir, I do. And he said,
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well, I hate it. What do I look like? I got a
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pink truck, bitch? Why's it got to be black?
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Yeah, why's it got to be a black thing, dog?
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Why's it got to be black? Motherfucker. But anyway,
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this other person, which I expect. would be a
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senior citizen because they didn't just clip
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it. They motherfucking ran into it. I mean, it
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smushed. And we have a lot of senior citizens
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here, and I have nothing but respect for that
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generation. So please, nobody get online and
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give us a Yelp review of Zero because that's
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not how I roll. I don't think we have enough
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listeners to have to worry about that. However
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the fuck we get rated on Apple or YouTube or
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whatever. But anyway, that was one of my what
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-the -fuck moments for the week. So that's going
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to be a great segue into this. Folks, to anyone
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who's listening out there, if you like what we're
00:06:06.959 --> 00:06:09.839
doing, whatever platform that you're on. If there
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is an option to leave a review or comments or
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anything, please do that. We'd love to hear from
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you and we'd love to hear what you think of the
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show. And if you have some funny what the fuck
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moments that you think would sound good on a
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show, let us know. We will definitely get that
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on the air for you. So leave us a review. Yeah,
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Jake, that's a good call, man. We couldn't do
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this without the support of our listeners. And
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we really and truly do appreciate you and love
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you. So thank you so much. So basically what's
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been happening that I've noticed is and I've
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taken screenshots because. If I have to go do
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a fucking class action lawsuit, I'm gonna have
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receipts. So basically what happens is every
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time that I've had to reach out to Dasher support
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and question anything as far as like, so the
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way that it's just like any company, it's got
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metrics that you have to meet. There's silver,
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gold, and platinum tier. And to reach those,
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you have to have certain metrics in place. Well,
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for the longest time, once I hit platinum, I
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stayed in platinum and I was doing great. And
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then all of a sudden they changed their... metrics
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and they went from a percentage based thing to
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certain markets and areas are now point based.
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And it dropped me out of platinum into gold because
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it was saying that my on time rate was 87%, which
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means that out of a hundred, cause it's a rolling
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hundred deliveries. So you're telling me that
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I've had 13 late deliveries in the last hundred
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that I've had. I said, I can promise you, I have
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not seen red on my screen on any fucking delivery
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that I've done since starting. And every time.
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I've called to ask them about it when I'm trying
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to explain to them, it's saying this, I know
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for a fact, and I also had gotten a notification
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that said after getting to the delivery point,
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you sat there for 10 minutes or more before delivering
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the order. And I'm like, I promise you there's
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no fucking way I've ever done that. Improbable,
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impossible, never happened. So when I called
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them to talk to them about this and they kept
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telling me, no, no, no, no, it's not affecting
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your thing. And I'm like, I promise you it's
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affecting me. It bumped me out of platinum into
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gold, which takes away my ability to do catering.
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orders bigger orders that pay more this that
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and the other this is ridiculous and so i kept
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and i was very cordial i was not being mean i
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was not cursing i was not yelling i was not being
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a carrot and i talked to a supervisor or manager
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or something oh they'll have to call you back
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guess what nobody's ever fucking called me back
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after that when i tried to call back later they'd
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answer and i'd be like yeah i was calling back
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because i spoke to somebody earlier about whatever
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immediately hung up on me this happened like
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six times in a row you've been red flagged yeah
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so then i had to message them the other day it
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was sitting at that 87 for a month i said that's
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impossible i've done at least over 100 orders
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i had to have flushed out whatever bullshit was
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in there so message them about the whole conversation
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again haven't talking to whoever just screenshotted
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the whole conversation and after that they put
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me in what i'm calling dasher jail because i
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went into the app because i was going to go dash
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because it had said it was busy suddenly jacksonville
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completely dead every other area around me was
00:09:06.610 --> 00:09:09.889
showing busy or very busy Jacksonville dead I
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said there is no fucking way if you're gonna
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be fucking assholes about this then I'm gonna
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jump over to Uber Eats so I went to Uber Eats
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and I had an order for Chick -fil -a and I walked
00:09:17.870 --> 00:09:19.090
into Chick -fil -a and there was like me and
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like six other Uber Eats and DoorDash for people
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standing there waiting for orders and I looked
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at somebody who like I saw them pull up the order
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and I saw that it was a DoorDash and I said hey
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quick question for you does it show you right
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now that DoorDash for this area is busy or very
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busy they're like oh yeah and I'm like Huh, good
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to fucking know. So they put me in Dasher Jail
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because at gold level, I can't just hit dash
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now whenever I want. You can only do that when
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you're platinum. So they put me in Dasher Jail
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for the day. But yeah, every time I've had to
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reach out and anytime I question anything, and
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I've reached out to the Twitter account too,
00:09:49.950 --> 00:09:51.870
and somebody reached back out and was like, oh,
00:09:51.889 --> 00:09:54.149
send us a message or whatever, because I posted
00:09:54.149 --> 00:09:55.929
on their page and they were like, send us a message.
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Guess what? I've sent them two messages, no fucking
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response. Wow. So DoorDash is very quickly getting
00:10:02.330 --> 00:10:04.429
on my shit list. I was starting to feel left
00:10:04.429 --> 00:10:06.789
out because a lot of people I knew were getting
00:10:06.789 --> 00:10:09.450
these toll messages. You know, pay this toll.
00:10:09.470 --> 00:10:11.909
It's sitting on the news, right? I finally got
00:10:11.909 --> 00:10:15.029
one. Now, most times these are bots. And if you
00:10:15.029 --> 00:10:17.590
respond to it with anything other than a Y for
00:10:17.590 --> 00:10:20.850
a yes or an N for no, you'll get this line doesn't
00:10:20.850 --> 00:10:24.450
accept. But this one didn't. Easy pass final
00:10:24.450 --> 00:10:28.860
reminder. You have an outstanding toll. Your
00:10:28.860 --> 00:10:31.360
total account balance is outstanding. Right away,
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they're just repeating themselves with their
00:10:32.820 --> 00:10:35.519
language. Who the fuck taught you English, motherfucker?
00:10:35.740 --> 00:10:37.840
Anyway, that wasn't racist, by the way. I'm just
00:10:37.840 --> 00:10:40.620
making an observation. If you fail to pay by
00:10:40.620 --> 00:10:43.840
March 24th, which is tomorrow, oh my God, you
00:10:43.840 --> 00:10:46.639
will be penalized or subject to legal action.
00:10:46.860 --> 00:10:49.820
Then it says now, like the word now, payment.
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The fuck does now payment mean? Then there's
00:10:52.000 --> 00:10:54.720
a link. And then it says, please reply Y for
00:10:54.720 --> 00:10:58.120
yes. Then exit this text and open it again to
00:10:58.120 --> 00:11:00.340
activate the link or copy the link to your Safari
00:11:00.340 --> 00:11:02.570
browser and open it. That's not going to fucking
00:11:02.570 --> 00:11:05.549
happen. Please settle your toll immediately after
00:11:05.549 --> 00:11:08.830
reading this message to avoid penalties for delaying
00:11:08.830 --> 00:11:10.490
the payment. Thank you for your cooperation.
00:11:10.990 --> 00:11:12.509
So I decided to have a little fun with this,
00:11:12.549 --> 00:11:15.730
right? So I just fired off a quick one, basically
00:11:15.730 --> 00:11:17.789
see if I would get an automated response saying
00:11:17.789 --> 00:11:20.450
it doesn't work that way. So I said, fuck off
00:11:20.450 --> 00:11:23.590
directly. A couple minutes went by. I didn't
00:11:23.590 --> 00:11:25.830
get anything. Then I said, blow me. Nothing.
00:11:26.029 --> 00:11:28.889
Then I said, eat shit. A couple minutes go by.
00:11:29.169 --> 00:11:31.419
Then I said, fuck off and die. And I never got
00:11:31.419 --> 00:11:32.980
any responses and I was kind of disappointed
00:11:32.980 --> 00:11:35.799
with that. But the bottom line is I work from
00:11:35.799 --> 00:11:38.639
home and I rarely drive. So easy pass. Ain't
00:11:38.639 --> 00:11:40.840
no way. I do have an easy pass in my vehicle,
00:11:40.879 --> 00:11:42.779
but. I haven't had one since my recruiting days
00:11:42.779 --> 00:11:45.639
in New Jersey. Okay. So easy pass. I know you're
00:11:45.639 --> 00:11:48.240
a legitimate business. So I'm not picking on
00:11:48.240 --> 00:11:51.440
you. But whoever the stupid motherfucker is that's
00:11:51.440 --> 00:11:54.299
trying to get people to pay this, stop doing
00:11:54.299 --> 00:11:56.860
it. Because when I'm really, really bored and
00:11:56.860 --> 00:11:58.480
I'm off work right now because I'm on medical
00:11:58.480 --> 00:12:00.519
leave, I will start digging into shit. And I
00:12:00.519 --> 00:12:02.419
will fucking track your shit down. And I'll start
00:12:02.419 --> 00:12:04.039
fucking with you in ways that you never imagined.
00:12:04.320 --> 00:12:07.100
Yeah, I don't. Mine's an easy pass, too. He's
00:12:07.100 --> 00:12:09.740
the Liam Neeson of scammers. I will find you
00:12:09.740 --> 00:12:11.500
and I will kill you. I will get on the phone
00:12:11.500 --> 00:12:13.220
with you for an hour, an hour and a half, two
00:12:13.220 --> 00:12:15.200
hours, however long it takes to make you think
00:12:15.200 --> 00:12:16.419
that I'm going to pay this shit. And I'll keep
00:12:16.419 --> 00:12:18.200
stringing you along and along and along. along
00:12:18.200 --> 00:12:19.759
and along and along. You're not getting a fucking
00:12:19.759 --> 00:12:21.519
dime from me, but I'm wasting your time. Right.
00:12:21.639 --> 00:12:24.000
The time that you're spending dealing with me
00:12:24.000 --> 00:12:26.299
is less time you're actually scamming other people.
00:12:26.620 --> 00:12:28.840
Yeah. In regards to your job inquiry, I have
00:12:28.840 --> 00:12:31.299
an offer for a full or part -time personal assistant
00:12:31.299 --> 00:12:34.799
job, blah, blah, blah. All right. Send me your
00:12:34.799 --> 00:12:37.220
email. Then I can send you the website to go
00:12:37.220 --> 00:12:39.700
through and read the terms and necessary information
00:12:39.700 --> 00:12:43.080
you need for the job. Space period, lowercase.
00:12:43.200 --> 00:12:47.649
Do you understood? Dead giveaway, right? Like,
00:12:47.710 --> 00:12:51.250
okay, no. I don't understood. I don't be understood,
00:12:51.429 --> 00:12:54.220
son. You see, now. Now we're going to touch on
00:12:54.220 --> 00:12:56.179
another thing that's one of my fucking pet peeves.
00:12:56.259 --> 00:12:58.620
I'm a fucking grammar Nazi. Oh, yeah. I will
00:12:58.620 --> 00:13:00.960
fucking admit it. If I'm on social media and
00:13:00.960 --> 00:13:03.440
if somebody is trying to make a point, particularly
00:13:03.440 --> 00:13:06.279
if it's a meme or if it's something that somebody
00:13:06.279 --> 00:13:08.720
was trying to be creative with. You know what
00:13:08.720 --> 00:13:10.960
I meant. So that response there, you know what
00:13:10.960 --> 00:13:12.799
I meant or you knew what I meant. When you're
00:13:12.799 --> 00:13:14.340
dealing with someone that's trying to scam you
00:13:14.340 --> 00:13:16.299
and they make a slip up like that and you fucking
00:13:16.299 --> 00:13:18.299
call them on their shit. You knew what I meant.
00:13:18.320 --> 00:13:20.799
It's not a proper response. If I knew what you
00:13:20.799 --> 00:13:22.919
fucking meant, I would have asked. do it to my
00:13:22.919 --> 00:13:24.519
daughter all the time she'll use like improper
00:13:24.519 --> 00:13:26.240
grammar and i'll correct her she's like whatever
00:13:26.240 --> 00:13:27.840
you know what i meant i'm like they're there
00:13:27.840 --> 00:13:29.759
and they're your your don't even get me started
00:13:29.759 --> 00:13:31.600
on that shit because i will fucking you know
00:13:31.600 --> 00:13:35.059
uh improper use of theirs make me they trigger
00:13:35.059 --> 00:13:39.620
me yeah you can over semanticize something is
00:13:39.620 --> 00:13:42.159
that even a word it sounds cool if it's not it
00:13:42.159 --> 00:13:44.600
sounded good but it sounded sexy actually listen
00:13:44.600 --> 00:13:47.190
if we're talking if you and i are speaking and
00:13:47.190 --> 00:13:49.649
you're speaking in terms of your, your, and your,
00:13:49.730 --> 00:13:51.789
and they, you know, two, two, and two, et cetera,
00:13:51.889 --> 00:13:54.590
et cetera, et cetera, I get it if you really
00:13:54.590 --> 00:13:56.529
don't know. But when you put it in writing, and
00:13:56.529 --> 00:14:00.009
this is unfortunate, people judge you based on
00:14:00.009 --> 00:14:03.409
your ability to write. There was a time where
00:14:03.409 --> 00:14:05.690
people will make an excuse. They'll say, this
00:14:05.690 --> 00:14:09.070
was sent from my iPhone. Please excuse grammatical
00:14:09.070 --> 00:14:12.210
errors. Oh, no, fuck that. How about no? No.
00:14:12.750 --> 00:14:14.509
No, we're not going to do that. How about you
00:14:14.509 --> 00:14:17.529
proofread your fucking email and send it out
00:14:17.529 --> 00:14:20.110
now? Not for nothing. I am the poster child.
00:14:20.289 --> 00:14:22.549
If you look in the Webster's Dictionary, for
00:14:22.549 --> 00:14:25.350
those of you who know what that is, and look
00:14:25.350 --> 00:14:29.110
under guaranteed to be a fuck up, my picture's
00:14:29.110 --> 00:14:31.399
right next to it. Because I will fuck up something
00:14:31.399 --> 00:14:33.279
and I look at it and go, God damn, I can't believe
00:14:33.279 --> 00:14:36.399
I did that again 100 % of the time. So I understand
00:14:36.399 --> 00:14:38.279
that people do it, but I expect to be judged
00:14:38.279 --> 00:14:40.740
harshly. This is why I like the fact that with
00:14:40.740 --> 00:14:43.419
iPhones, there's an edit option now for when
00:14:43.419 --> 00:14:47.620
it inevitably auto -corrects a your to the wrong
00:14:47.620 --> 00:14:49.360
your or a there to the wrong there. And I'm like,
00:14:49.399 --> 00:14:51.320
bitch, I spelled it right the first time. Yep.
00:14:51.320 --> 00:14:54.299
I always send it, then read it, and then edit.
00:14:54.940 --> 00:14:56.700
Just so you know, I will never say duck you,
00:14:56.899 --> 00:14:59.919
okay? Never. I'm never saying duck you. It is
00:14:59.919 --> 00:15:02.080
always fuck you. I went to the trucking, you
00:15:02.080 --> 00:15:05.279
know, I went to the trucking store. No. No, it's
00:15:05.279 --> 00:15:07.340
always fuck. I will never say duck off. I will
00:15:07.340 --> 00:15:09.919
never say what the duck. I mean, come on. What
00:15:09.919 --> 00:15:12.659
the duck? Although, we could change the show
00:15:12.659 --> 00:15:16.309
name in season two to What the Duck. Said no
00:15:16.309 --> 00:15:18.409
one ever. No, we're not fucking doing this. So
00:15:18.409 --> 00:15:21.090
let's talk about Walmart. Yeah, I want to hear
00:15:21.090 --> 00:15:24.529
about line skippers at the Walmart self -checkout.
00:15:24.929 --> 00:15:32.029
Fucking Walmart. So here's the deal, okay? I
00:15:32.029 --> 00:15:34.750
know there's two camps with this. Some people
00:15:34.750 --> 00:15:37.169
really have an issue with the self -checkout.
00:15:37.230 --> 00:15:38.990
Like, fuck, I'm not a Walmart employee. Why the
00:15:38.990 --> 00:15:40.789
fuck do I have to do self -checkout, right? And
00:15:40.789 --> 00:15:42.470
I understand that from a certain perspective.
00:15:42.990 --> 00:15:45.129
I'm the other person. I don't mind the self -checkout.
00:15:45.149 --> 00:15:46.809
I've gotten so fucking good at it now. I have
00:15:46.809 --> 00:15:48.889
my own method. I'm in and out. Zip, zip, zip.
00:15:48.970 --> 00:15:51.110
I'm done. I'm the fuck out of there the least
00:15:51.110 --> 00:15:53.230
amount of time that I have to spend in there.
00:15:53.309 --> 00:15:54.570
Especially when you've only got a couple things.
00:15:54.730 --> 00:15:56.029
Why do you need to stand in a fucking line and
00:15:56.029 --> 00:15:58.269
let somebody scan it? Do it yourself. This Walmart,
00:15:58.529 --> 00:16:00.529
when you go to check out, if you're in the line
00:16:00.529 --> 00:16:02.090
that forms to the right, you go to the right.
00:16:02.169 --> 00:16:03.830
If you're in the line that forms to the left,
00:16:03.850 --> 00:16:05.750
you go to the registers to the left. And each
00:16:05.750 --> 00:16:08.429
section has a whole bunch of self -checkouts.
00:16:08.590 --> 00:16:11.330
And in each of those sections, there are sometimes
00:16:11.330 --> 00:16:13.240
two or three. registers where you can actually
00:16:13.240 --> 00:16:14.840
just go to a register somebody can check you
00:16:14.840 --> 00:16:17.899
out right so i'm in the right line i get up to
00:16:17.899 --> 00:16:19.799
the point where i'm standing there and i'm looking
00:16:19.799 --> 00:16:21.519
over to the right which is where you're supposed
00:16:21.519 --> 00:16:23.700
to go and i'm looking for the next available
00:16:23.700 --> 00:16:26.320
one as soon as i see green i'm going this cocksucker
00:16:26.320 --> 00:16:28.259
to the left of me he should be looking to the
00:16:28.259 --> 00:16:31.080
left to go that way he decides that he sees the
00:16:31.080 --> 00:16:32.840
green light to the right and decides it's going
00:16:32.840 --> 00:16:34.759
to be a good fucking idea to cut in front of
00:16:34.759 --> 00:16:37.460
me oh yeah i wasn't having it i'm like uh Do
00:16:37.460 --> 00:16:39.480
you not understand how this fucking works? And
00:16:39.480 --> 00:16:40.740
then he just kind of stood there like, what are
00:16:40.740 --> 00:16:42.200
you going to do? Fucking fight me for it? And
00:16:42.200 --> 00:16:43.960
then I proceeded to go over to the one that just
00:16:43.960 --> 00:16:46.000
lit up. So then I'm like, okay, that was a one
00:16:46.000 --> 00:16:48.500
-off. So a couple days go by. And for whatever
00:16:48.500 --> 00:16:50.559
reason, I'm in that right line again. It's just
00:16:50.559 --> 00:16:52.960
because some of the things I shop for, it just
00:16:52.960 --> 00:16:54.559
makes more sense for me to enter it from that
00:16:54.559 --> 00:16:57.899
way. So this time, it wasn't a fucking idiot
00:16:57.899 --> 00:16:59.899
that was in the left line that cuts in front
00:16:59.899 --> 00:17:02.259
of me. I had a guy behind me. tried to come around
00:17:02.259 --> 00:17:05.160
me and go and take the next one that I was going
00:17:05.160 --> 00:17:06.779
to take. I'm like, that's not how this works,
00:17:06.819 --> 00:17:09.940
dude. What the fuck? I know. I'm like, I don't
00:17:09.940 --> 00:17:11.279
care if you're in a hurry. I don't care if this
00:17:11.279 --> 00:17:12.799
is a medical emergency. I don't care if you're
00:17:12.799 --> 00:17:14.339
bleeding out of your ass. I don't care what the
00:17:14.339 --> 00:17:16.460
situation is. But you don't fucking go around
00:17:16.460 --> 00:17:19.160
people and fucking jack up the line. And I literally
00:17:19.160 --> 00:17:21.240
said, what the fuck do you think you're doing?
00:17:21.420 --> 00:17:23.480
Well, I just, no, no, there's no just to it.
00:17:23.480 --> 00:17:25.799
No, there's a line for a reason. It's not just...
00:17:26.259 --> 00:17:28.460
person seven people back from us can just jump
00:17:28.460 --> 00:17:30.740
what jake you should have sent him to the back
00:17:30.740 --> 00:17:32.720
of the line get to the back of the line right
00:17:32.720 --> 00:17:34.359
like the teacher be like oh you want to get out
00:17:34.359 --> 00:17:36.559
get to the back of the line bitch very back where
00:17:36.559 --> 00:17:38.140
you live what do they call the people that are
00:17:38.140 --> 00:17:42.289
watching you The waste of fucking salary? I'm
00:17:42.289 --> 00:17:45.470
sorry. No, the monitors, right? The helpers?
00:17:45.569 --> 00:17:46.710
Well, I mean, they do have to be there because
00:17:46.710 --> 00:17:48.670
like for spark drivers and stuff like that, they
00:17:48.670 --> 00:17:50.170
do have to come over and check our shit because
00:17:50.170 --> 00:17:52.230
we don't actually scan anything. Or the fact
00:17:52.230 --> 00:17:54.609
that 90 % of American people are idiots when
00:17:54.609 --> 00:17:57.089
it comes to self -checkout computers. And people
00:17:57.089 --> 00:17:58.849
be trying to steal shit, so they got to keep
00:17:58.849 --> 00:18:01.009
an eye on it and be like, oh. Especially through
00:18:01.009 --> 00:18:03.390
self -checkout where they won't scan everything.
00:18:03.589 --> 00:18:05.430
She was looking at me like, please don't start
00:18:05.430 --> 00:18:07.009
a fight. She kind of like gave me the deer in
00:18:07.009 --> 00:18:08.839
a headlight look and I'm like. And I just kind
00:18:08.839 --> 00:18:10.279
of gave her a look back. I ain't going to start
00:18:10.279 --> 00:18:12.099
no fight if ain't going to be no fight. Listen,
00:18:12.180 --> 00:18:15.220
and here's the thing. Jake looks like someone
00:18:15.220 --> 00:18:19.220
who will fuck you up. So he looks like a fucking
00:18:19.220 --> 00:18:26.079
fight starter, which is partially why we don't
00:18:26.079 --> 00:18:28.039
fuck with him too much. Must be the long hair
00:18:28.039 --> 00:18:30.859
and the beard. Yeah. Yeah. I might look like
00:18:30.859 --> 00:18:33.480
a biker. You know, I don't know. Possibly. Both
00:18:33.480 --> 00:18:36.299
of these incidents, they were guys. And you would
00:18:36.299 --> 00:18:38.579
think that there would be some kind of guy code.
00:18:38.740 --> 00:18:41.619
Some dude code, exactly. Yeah, it's got to be
00:18:41.619 --> 00:18:52.619
a dude code. A bro code. Two times people tried
00:18:52.619 --> 00:18:54.640
to cut in front of me in line and both times
00:18:54.640 --> 00:18:57.500
Jake wasn't having it. And both times, both of
00:18:57.500 --> 00:18:59.359
those people were fucking idiots. You know, you
00:18:59.359 --> 00:19:00.980
just don't do shit like that. Go to an amusement
00:19:00.980 --> 00:19:03.000
park and stand in line for 45 minutes to get
00:19:03.000 --> 00:19:04.819
on a ride and try to cut the line and watch what
00:19:04.819 --> 00:19:07.079
happens. Oh, you'll get eaten the fuck up. Oh,
00:19:07.099 --> 00:19:10.140
you'll get beat up. Yeah. These wackadoodles,
00:19:10.180 --> 00:19:12.420
when you think your time is more important than
00:19:12.420 --> 00:19:15.799
everyone else's. Yeah. Drivers that matter, right?
00:19:16.079 --> 00:19:18.319
Skipping line at the Walmart self -checkout,
00:19:18.380 --> 00:19:21.160
which to me is really. Literally the only time
00:19:21.160 --> 00:19:23.200
that I will skip line. If somebody looks behind
00:19:23.200 --> 00:19:24.920
me and goes, oh, you just have one thing. And
00:19:24.920 --> 00:19:25.940
I'm like, yeah, they're like, okay, yeah, go
00:19:25.940 --> 00:19:28.359
ahead. I mean, like, that's different. And I'm
00:19:28.359 --> 00:19:30.599
totally fine with that. And I do that shit a
00:19:30.599 --> 00:19:33.440
lot. Like, dude, grab it. But if you just like
00:19:33.440 --> 00:19:35.819
have the entitlement of like, I'm a door dasher.
00:19:35.859 --> 00:19:37.559
I'm more important than you. I need to go ahead
00:19:37.559 --> 00:19:40.079
of you. No, no, no. I will stand and wait. But
00:19:40.079 --> 00:19:41.359
if somebody goes, oh, you just have like one
00:19:41.359 --> 00:19:43.000
or two. Go ahead. You're fine, honey. Go ahead
00:19:43.000 --> 00:19:44.619
of me. You know, it never even crossed my mind
00:19:44.619 --> 00:19:46.339
that both of those individuals may have been.
00:19:46.619 --> 00:19:48.559
people that do that. They could event. Some people
00:19:48.559 --> 00:19:50.660
are like wildly entitled. They're like, Oh, I
00:19:50.660 --> 00:19:53.259
I'm on a deadline. First of all, when you are
00:19:53.259 --> 00:19:55.880
doing any of that, yes, there are timelines,
00:19:55.980 --> 00:19:58.259
but at the same time, like there's the, when
00:19:58.259 --> 00:20:01.240
you sign up, we know that you're going to encounter
00:20:01.240 --> 00:20:04.319
lines. So it's factored in. Actually, I'm glad
00:20:04.319 --> 00:20:06.519
you brought that up because this Walmart has
00:20:06.519 --> 00:20:08.940
basically did, they went through a major remodel
00:20:08.940 --> 00:20:11.720
outside of those two areas for self -checkout.
00:20:11.779 --> 00:20:14.299
There is one lane on the left side of the store
00:20:14.299 --> 00:20:15.759
and one lane on the right side of the store.
00:20:15.920 --> 00:20:18.000
for people that are doing just that. Right. Yeah,
00:20:18.039 --> 00:20:19.839
save, which is smart. So they don't have to wait
00:20:19.839 --> 00:20:22.339
in those lines, okay? Sponsor us, Walmart, even
00:20:22.339 --> 00:20:25.059
though we're ragging on you. Fucking Walmart.
00:20:25.359 --> 00:20:28.859
We love you, Wally World. One of my go -to over
00:20:28.859 --> 00:20:30.779
-the -counter meds, which I absolutely love,
00:20:30.940 --> 00:20:32.619
and this goes back to my Navy days, is fucking
00:20:32.619 --> 00:20:34.799
NyQuil, okay? Oh, yes. And I'm talking about
00:20:34.799 --> 00:20:38.500
the original Green Death. Yes. We used to sell
00:20:38.500 --> 00:20:40.099
that shit on a black market on Navy ships for
00:20:40.099 --> 00:20:41.660
like five bucks a shot, like if you couldn't
00:20:41.660 --> 00:20:43.740
sleep. So it has a shitload of alcohol in it,
00:20:43.799 --> 00:20:46.059
right? And as a recovering alcoholic, that's
00:20:46.059 --> 00:20:47.500
probably not the best thing for me to be taking,
00:20:47.579 --> 00:20:49.779
but I don't chug it like it's fucking Jack Daniels.
00:20:49.779 --> 00:20:51.740
I don't put a straw in it and fucking go to town.
00:20:51.859 --> 00:20:54.500
I use it to help me sleep. Now, I'm in Tennessee.
00:20:54.680 --> 00:20:57.720
Tennessee is part of the Bible Belt. Right. And
00:20:57.720 --> 00:20:59.940
the Bible Belt has some built -in restrictions
00:20:59.940 --> 00:21:02.940
on things that you can and can't sell on Sundays
00:21:02.940 --> 00:21:06.059
before noon, meaning alcohol. Having said that.
00:21:06.299 --> 00:21:09.299
Walmart will card you for NyQuil because of the
00:21:09.299 --> 00:21:11.259
amount of alcohol that's in it. When you go to
00:21:11.259 --> 00:21:12.960
self -checkout, it'll get flagged. They have
00:21:12.960 --> 00:21:14.779
to come over. And most of the people there know
00:21:14.779 --> 00:21:16.599
me by now. They don't even ask for my ID anymore.
00:21:16.640 --> 00:21:18.279
They just do their little code, and they approve
00:21:18.279 --> 00:21:19.880
it, and they move along. Sometimes they actually
00:21:19.880 --> 00:21:22.440
will card you to see if you're 21 to buy NyQuil.
00:21:22.680 --> 00:21:25.599
Early in my recovery from alcohol, I was drinking
00:21:25.599 --> 00:21:28.960
this zero alcohol beer, O'Doul's. Now, O'Doul's
00:21:28.960 --> 00:21:32.319
has 0 .05 % alcohol, so there is still some alcohol
00:21:32.319 --> 00:21:34.980
in it, okay? Because the technology has improved,
00:21:35.099 --> 00:21:37.099
there are some beers out there now that are truly
00:21:37.099 --> 00:21:40.759
0 % alcohol. Guinness Zero, dude. Heineken Zero,
00:21:41.000 --> 00:21:43.180
which is fucking awesome, right? Guinness Zero
00:21:43.180 --> 00:21:45.400
is really good for cooking, believe it or not.
00:21:45.440 --> 00:21:47.539
First time I got Heineken Zero, I got carded.
00:21:47.539 --> 00:21:49.640
I'm like, you realize... There's no alcohol in
00:21:49.640 --> 00:21:51.059
this, right? They're like, oh, no. This lady
00:21:51.059 --> 00:21:53.000
was like, oh, some beers, even though it says
00:21:53.000 --> 00:21:54.779
that some beers, I'm like, no. It literally says
00:21:54.779 --> 00:21:58.119
on here 0 .0, not a speck. Yeah. She's like,
00:21:58.180 --> 00:22:00.440
well, it's considered beer. That's why, you know.
00:22:00.519 --> 00:22:02.559
Okay, you're making this shit up, ma 'am. This
00:22:02.559 --> 00:22:04.480
might as well just be a beer flavored soda. She
00:22:04.480 --> 00:22:06.700
was talking out of her ass. But anyway, so you
00:22:06.700 --> 00:22:09.220
get carded for non -alcoholic beer. You also
00:22:09.220 --> 00:22:12.640
get carded for NyQuil. And you also cannot buy
00:22:12.640 --> 00:22:14.839
alcohol before noon on Sunday. Do you see where
00:22:14.839 --> 00:22:17.619
I'm going with this? Yes. Okay. So I decided
00:22:17.619 --> 00:22:21.140
to be. that guy one time recently. So it was
00:22:21.140 --> 00:22:23.500
a Sunday morning. It was 10, 1030 in the morning
00:22:23.500 --> 00:22:25.500
and I wanted to test a theory. So I went and
00:22:25.500 --> 00:22:27.460
got some NyQuil and I'm doing the self -checkout
00:22:27.460 --> 00:22:29.599
and it flags me for the ID. So she comes over
00:22:29.599 --> 00:22:31.740
and she knows me. I mean, I don't have any problem
00:22:31.740 --> 00:22:33.779
with this particular person. So she puts the
00:22:33.779 --> 00:22:35.420
code in and I'm like, I have a question for you.
00:22:35.460 --> 00:22:37.900
It is Sunday morning. It is not noon. You're
00:22:37.900 --> 00:22:40.420
carding me for an alcoholic beverage, but you're
00:22:40.420 --> 00:22:42.119
going to allow me to buy it even though it's
00:22:42.119 --> 00:22:44.430
not noon. How does that work? And she goes. Dead
00:22:44.430 --> 00:22:46.210
silence. And she knows me by name. She's like,
00:22:46.269 --> 00:22:48.069
Jake, I don't write the rules here. What are
00:22:48.069 --> 00:22:50.309
you busting my balls here for? Love that. Okay.
00:22:50.369 --> 00:22:52.430
Now, if I had come through that line and if I
00:22:52.430 --> 00:22:55.509
had had a six pack of O'Doul's or Heineken Zero
00:22:55.509 --> 00:22:57.930
or regular beer for that matter, along with the
00:22:57.930 --> 00:23:01.599
NyQuil, I couldn't have bought the beer. I could
00:23:01.599 --> 00:23:03.019
have bought the NyQuil, though. They would have
00:23:03.019 --> 00:23:04.920
carded me for the NyQuil, but they would have
00:23:04.920 --> 00:23:06.900
said, you have to wait until 12 to buy the beer.
00:23:07.420 --> 00:23:09.640
I'm a connoisseur of all the quills, all the
00:23:09.640 --> 00:23:13.039
NyQuils. The quills, yeah. He's a quill connoisseur.
00:23:13.059 --> 00:23:15.339
There's two new ones. There's a pain quill, which
00:23:15.339 --> 00:23:18.599
is basically Tylenol in NyQuil form. And there's
00:23:18.599 --> 00:23:20.359
a daytime version and there's a nighttime version.
00:23:20.579 --> 00:23:23.539
And both of those have, guess what? Alcohol.
00:23:24.059 --> 00:23:26.619
Alcohol. And it's the same amount of alcohol
00:23:26.619 --> 00:23:29.039
in NyQuil or DayQuil. First time I saw this,
00:23:29.119 --> 00:23:30.140
I'm like, oh, this is pretty cool. I want to
00:23:30.140 --> 00:23:32.339
try this, right? So I got a box, and the box
00:23:32.339 --> 00:23:34.319
had a daytime version and a nighttime version.
00:23:34.420 --> 00:23:36.640
And it says right on the box, contains 10 % alcohol.
00:23:36.880 --> 00:23:38.619
Same amount of alcohol that's in NyQuil. Why
00:23:38.619 --> 00:23:41.059
does NyQuil have so much alcohol in it? So you
00:23:41.059 --> 00:23:44.359
can sleep. Yeah. Peacefully. I go through self
00:23:44.359 --> 00:23:46.819
-checkout, does not get flagged to be ID. Are
00:23:46.819 --> 00:23:49.480
you fucking serious? Does not. Maybe it's not
00:23:49.480 --> 00:23:52.039
in their system correctly to notify them that
00:23:52.039 --> 00:23:53.859
it should be. Yeah, Don, we probably need to
00:23:53.859 --> 00:23:55.440
start that LLC pretty soon because Walmart's
00:23:55.440 --> 00:23:57.119
going to start suing my ass. That's fair. They
00:23:57.119 --> 00:23:59.180
don't have anybody to sue yet. So that's the
00:23:59.180 --> 00:24:01.259
important thing. Goddamn. These people be ragging.
00:24:01.259 --> 00:24:03.920
Be like, then be a better company. I'm in the
00:24:03.920 --> 00:24:06.519
mood for like a grill. Oh, wait. No, it's Sunday.
00:24:06.619 --> 00:24:09.529
I can't. Fucking. Chick -fil -A. Oh, my God.
00:24:09.569 --> 00:24:11.670
Yeah, see, we're getting cock -blocked all over
00:24:11.670 --> 00:24:14.529
the place here. Fuck. Never mind. I guess I'm
00:24:14.529 --> 00:24:16.569
not going to Chick -fil -A today. I wanted to
00:24:16.569 --> 00:24:19.450
get a grilled chicken sandwich. Chicken -blocked
00:24:19.450 --> 00:24:22.470
by Chick -fil -A on a fucking Sunday. They have
00:24:22.470 --> 00:24:25.549
that new barbecue smokehouse one. It looks really
00:24:25.549 --> 00:24:27.450
good. I wanted to try. They got a new sandwich
00:24:27.450 --> 00:24:29.670
that has cilantro lime sauce on it. I definitely
00:24:29.670 --> 00:24:31.250
want to fucking try that. Where is this? Not
00:24:31.250 --> 00:24:33.470
in my market. Chick -fil -A. Maybe that's only
00:24:33.470 --> 00:24:35.269
by you. Well, don't tell me that shit the fucking
00:24:35.269 --> 00:24:36.609
day it's Sunday. I know.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.580
Which means he probably has a small penis. God
00:00:01.580 --> 00:00:04.019
damn it. It's not what his wife says. Janky ass
00:00:04.019 --> 00:00:11.259
puzzle piece. Tweet, tweet, motherfucker. Look
00:00:11.259 --> 00:00:14.119
at my new knife. I used it to do surgery on my
00:00:14.119 --> 00:00:18.719
box. Yeah, don't say that. Sammy, please. I did,
00:00:18.719 --> 00:00:20.600
I had to cut up a box. Unless you're talking
00:00:20.600 --> 00:00:22.239
about dick size and we always round up anyway.
00:00:22.559 --> 00:00:25.620
Yeah, and I'm Irish, so she's dumber than me.
00:00:26.120 --> 00:00:30.429
Wow. I'm Jake Jacobs. This is Sammy. This is
00:00:30.429 --> 00:00:33.049
the Don. And you're listening to What the Fuck.
00:00:41.940 --> 00:00:44.740
Hey, what's up, everybody? Welcome to the season
00:00:44.740 --> 00:00:48.439
one finale of What the Fuck, the podcast where
00:00:48.439 --> 00:00:51.380
we say all the things you're thinking but probably
00:00:51.380 --> 00:00:53.719
shouldn't. That's right. This is the Don, and
00:00:53.719 --> 00:00:55.520
I'm here with Sammy and Jake. Kind of shocking,
00:00:55.560 --> 00:00:57.619
but we're wrapping up the first season. The only
00:00:57.619 --> 00:01:00.280
way we know how, and that's absolutely zero filter
00:01:00.280 --> 00:01:02.600
and a whole hell of a lot of opinions. You think?
00:01:05.129 --> 00:01:07.049
Yeah, Don, we've talked about everything from
00:01:07.049 --> 00:01:09.890
OnlyFans, Lily Phillips, bad bosses, and, you
00:01:09.890 --> 00:01:12.670
know, probably offended a couple people along
00:01:12.670 --> 00:01:14.790
the way. But, I mean, you signed up for that,
00:01:14.870 --> 00:01:18.010
right? So grab a drink, buckle up, and let's
00:01:18.010 --> 00:01:20.769
get into it one last time this season. Welcome
00:01:20.769 --> 00:01:23.790
to the season finale of What the Fuck. I got
00:01:23.790 --> 00:01:26.900
a what the fuck about driving, if I may. Oh,
00:01:26.920 --> 00:01:28.980
absolutely. Let's hear this. We've been very
00:01:28.980 --> 00:01:31.519
blessed in our life. We have nice things. And
00:01:31.519 --> 00:01:36.439
my wife drives a Toyota TRD Pro Tacoma with all
00:01:36.439 --> 00:01:38.560
the bells and whistles. This thing is blacked
00:01:38.560 --> 00:01:40.620
out fucking sweet. It's definitely a dude truck.
00:01:40.739 --> 00:01:42.299
It used to be mine, but she wanted it. I think
00:01:42.299 --> 00:01:44.599
it was Friday, maybe. She says, hey, I got to
00:01:44.599 --> 00:01:47.140
go to PetSmart to go get some shit for the dogs
00:01:47.140 --> 00:01:49.359
and the cat. Like, okay, well, have fun. Do you
00:01:49.359 --> 00:01:51.900
need anything? No. She's gone for about an hour.
00:01:52.280 --> 00:01:54.459
I get a phone call or a text. Somebody hit my
00:01:54.459 --> 00:01:57.819
truck in the parking lot and took off. Goddamn.
00:01:58.019 --> 00:02:00.319
You fucking serious? This is why we can't have
00:02:00.319 --> 00:02:01.739
that shit. Walk your ass in there and tell them
00:02:01.739 --> 00:02:04.599
to pull the footage. Well, the thing is, it was
00:02:04.599 --> 00:02:07.480
parked in a place with no footage. I was so pissed.
00:02:07.780 --> 00:02:10.340
I just get bent out of shape mad, and I'm mad
00:02:10.340 --> 00:02:12.659
at everybody else. So this fucking person, I
00:02:12.659 --> 00:02:15.060
guess they smashed into her truck, and it's the
00:02:15.060 --> 00:02:16.699
front. And if you guys know anything about it,
00:02:16.759 --> 00:02:21.460
the 2019 Tacoma has this. very exaggerated kind
00:02:21.460 --> 00:02:24.259
of look at me front end on it, you know? Yeah.
00:02:24.360 --> 00:02:26.680
And it's made out of this rubber plasticky shit.
00:02:27.099 --> 00:02:30.419
So somebody whacked it. My wife is mortified.
00:02:30.500 --> 00:02:32.960
She's afraid I'm going to fucking come unhinged,
00:02:32.960 --> 00:02:35.560
which I kind of did. And it had nothing to do
00:02:35.560 --> 00:02:37.300
with that. It was just like, oh, you know, you
00:02:37.300 --> 00:02:39.539
know how ADHD folk like to feel sorry for ourselves
00:02:39.539 --> 00:02:41.740
sometimes. You know, can I just have some peace
00:02:41.740 --> 00:02:45.280
in my life? Goddamn, some bullshit every fucking
00:02:45.280 --> 00:02:48.419
day. In any case, so I'm sitting here kind of,
00:02:48.419 --> 00:02:50.300
you know, feeling sorry for myself, just pissed
00:02:50.300 --> 00:02:53.759
off the world. And I remembered I saw a video
00:02:53.759 --> 00:02:56.000
one time about how to fix this plasticky rubber
00:02:56.000 --> 00:02:59.060
shit. with boiling water. So I have this fucking
00:02:59.060 --> 00:03:01.360
kettle, this electric kettle, heated up the bowl
00:03:01.360 --> 00:03:03.439
of water. Oh, because it, memory, muscle memory.
00:03:03.560 --> 00:03:06.060
Fuck yeah. So you heat that shit up. And in any
00:03:06.060 --> 00:03:07.620
case, that didn't work because this is some pretty
00:03:07.620 --> 00:03:09.599
thick stuff. This is on the front, but it's solving
00:03:09.599 --> 00:03:12.330
it up enough. So I remembered I got this. Super
00:03:12.330 --> 00:03:14.530
duper hairdryer, this heater for shrink wrap
00:03:14.530 --> 00:03:16.349
and things like that. And I pulled a couple of
00:03:16.349 --> 00:03:19.210
bolts out where I could get my hand inside the
00:03:19.210 --> 00:03:21.469
fender to that thing, heated it up with this
00:03:21.469 --> 00:03:23.349
thing. And in 10 minutes, I had this fucking
00:03:23.349 --> 00:03:26.090
thing popped up and fixed like you read about
00:03:26.090 --> 00:03:28.590
and then put it all back together. It literally
00:03:28.590 --> 00:03:30.770
took 20 minutes to do the whole job. And so I
00:03:30.770 --> 00:03:33.770
had two what the fucks there. And folks, remember,
00:03:33.849 --> 00:03:36.469
this is part of our therapy sessions internally.
00:03:36.870 --> 00:03:38.889
That's true. One of the what the fucks is what
00:03:38.889 --> 00:03:42.400
happened to you as a child? you would hit somebody's
00:03:42.400 --> 00:03:45.020
vehicle and then fucking leave like a pussy.
00:03:45.199 --> 00:03:48.500
I hate you and I hope you hang. And then the
00:03:48.500 --> 00:03:51.960
other what the fuck was, Don, you can fix anything.
00:03:52.259 --> 00:03:56.719
Why do you get so pissed off? Yeah, that was
00:03:56.719 --> 00:03:58.900
a big what the fuck, man. If you hit somebody's
00:03:58.900 --> 00:04:00.479
vehicle, just try to be honest about it. Leave
00:04:00.479 --> 00:04:03.500
a card or something. I had a kid run back into
00:04:03.500 --> 00:04:05.800
my truck at a bar one night. We were somewhere
00:04:05.800 --> 00:04:09.240
in Tennessee and this bar is packed. This kid
00:04:09.240 --> 00:04:12.810
literally came in. hunted me down. Hey, sir,
00:04:12.889 --> 00:04:14.590
do you own the black truck out there? I says,
00:04:14.610 --> 00:04:16.750
yeah. He said, I backed into it. You know what
00:04:16.750 --> 00:04:18.709
happened? Whoa. I walked out there. I looked
00:04:18.709 --> 00:04:20.550
at my truck. It was another one of those little
00:04:20.550 --> 00:04:22.370
plasticky things. I knew I could fix it. I looked
00:04:22.370 --> 00:04:25.709
at him. He was not toasted, but he was, he had
00:04:25.709 --> 00:04:27.529
probably had a few drinks. And I was like, I'll
00:04:27.529 --> 00:04:29.689
tell you what, dude, because you're honest. Why
00:04:29.689 --> 00:04:31.790
don't you get in that little brown car and go
00:04:31.790 --> 00:04:34.810
to fuck on home and don't ever mention this again
00:04:34.810 --> 00:04:38.589
and stay out of trouble. This is not worth a
00:04:38.589 --> 00:04:41.680
life sentence for you. you know, 10 ,000 bucks
00:04:41.680 --> 00:04:43.939
or whatever a DUI cost. That's all I ask is for
00:04:43.939 --> 00:04:46.560
people to just to be, I don't know, adulty sometimes.
00:04:46.899 --> 00:04:48.959
Well, the fact that he was honest about it and
00:04:48.959 --> 00:04:52.000
sought you out to tell you that there alone.
00:04:52.240 --> 00:04:54.420
He came through the bar and he didn't know it
00:04:54.420 --> 00:04:56.600
was me. So he went through a lot of people. I
00:04:56.600 --> 00:04:59.000
mean, this could have been a giant source of
00:04:59.000 --> 00:05:00.819
embarrassment and he could have just as easily
00:05:00.819 --> 00:05:03.439
hauled and no one would have known. And he could
00:05:03.439 --> 00:05:05.759
have just as easily, as soon as he realized that
00:05:05.759 --> 00:05:07.420
it was you and he saw you, he could have easily
00:05:07.420 --> 00:05:11.459
said, no, I'm good. But he didn't. I mean, he
00:05:11.459 --> 00:05:13.639
came up, he said, sir, do you have a black truck?
00:05:13.740 --> 00:05:15.759
I'm like, do I look like a guy that has a black
00:05:15.759 --> 00:05:20.720
truck? Yes. Okay. So anyway. Don! I didn't say
00:05:20.720 --> 00:05:22.540
that. I was like, yes, sir, I do. And he said,
00:05:22.639 --> 00:05:23.980
well, I hate it. What do I look like? I got a
00:05:23.980 --> 00:05:26.579
pink truck, bitch? Why's it got to be black?
00:05:26.899 --> 00:05:28.259
Yeah, why's it got to be a black thing, dog?
00:05:28.259 --> 00:05:31.430
Why's it got to be black? Motherfucker. But anyway,
00:05:31.689 --> 00:05:35.009
this other person, which I expect. would be a
00:05:35.009 --> 00:05:37.129
senior citizen because they didn't just clip
00:05:37.129 --> 00:05:39.949
it. They motherfucking ran into it. I mean, it
00:05:39.949 --> 00:05:43.329
smushed. And we have a lot of senior citizens
00:05:43.329 --> 00:05:45.029
here, and I have nothing but respect for that
00:05:45.029 --> 00:05:48.509
generation. So please, nobody get online and
00:05:48.509 --> 00:05:51.250
give us a Yelp review of Zero because that's
00:05:51.250 --> 00:05:53.069
not how I roll. I don't think we have enough
00:05:53.069 --> 00:05:54.889
listeners to have to worry about that. However
00:05:54.889 --> 00:05:58.050
the fuck we get rated on Apple or YouTube or
00:05:58.050 --> 00:06:00.189
whatever. But anyway, that was one of my what
00:06:00.189 --> 00:06:02.209
-the -fuck moments for the week. So that's going
00:06:02.209 --> 00:06:04.779
to be a great segue into this. Folks, to anyone
00:06:04.779 --> 00:06:06.959
who's listening out there, if you like what we're
00:06:06.959 --> 00:06:09.839
doing, whatever platform that you're on. If there
00:06:09.839 --> 00:06:12.360
is an option to leave a review or comments or
00:06:12.360 --> 00:06:14.420
anything, please do that. We'd love to hear from
00:06:14.420 --> 00:06:16.420
you and we'd love to hear what you think of the
00:06:16.420 --> 00:06:18.600
show. And if you have some funny what the fuck
00:06:18.600 --> 00:06:20.180
moments that you think would sound good on a
00:06:20.180 --> 00:06:22.160
show, let us know. We will definitely get that
00:06:22.160 --> 00:06:24.060
on the air for you. So leave us a review. Yeah,
00:06:24.079 --> 00:06:26.060
Jake, that's a good call, man. We couldn't do
00:06:26.060 --> 00:06:28.480
this without the support of our listeners. And
00:06:28.480 --> 00:06:31.019
we really and truly do appreciate you and love
00:06:31.019 --> 00:06:34.300
you. So thank you so much. So basically what's
00:06:34.300 --> 00:06:36.879
been happening that I've noticed is and I've
00:06:36.879 --> 00:06:39.649
taken screenshots because. If I have to go do
00:06:39.649 --> 00:06:42.490
a fucking class action lawsuit, I'm gonna have
00:06:42.490 --> 00:06:45.550
receipts. So basically what happens is every
00:06:45.550 --> 00:06:47.410
time that I've had to reach out to Dasher support
00:06:47.410 --> 00:06:50.310
and question anything as far as like, so the
00:06:50.310 --> 00:06:52.209
way that it's just like any company, it's got
00:06:52.209 --> 00:06:54.149
metrics that you have to meet. There's silver,
00:06:54.189 --> 00:06:56.649
gold, and platinum tier. And to reach those,
00:06:56.689 --> 00:06:59.350
you have to have certain metrics in place. Well,
00:06:59.449 --> 00:07:02.029
for the longest time, once I hit platinum, I
00:07:02.029 --> 00:07:05.149
stayed in platinum and I was doing great. And
00:07:05.149 --> 00:07:08.810
then all of a sudden they changed their... metrics
00:07:08.810 --> 00:07:11.589
and they went from a percentage based thing to
00:07:11.589 --> 00:07:14.329
certain markets and areas are now point based.
00:07:14.529 --> 00:07:17.250
And it dropped me out of platinum into gold because
00:07:17.250 --> 00:07:21.230
it was saying that my on time rate was 87%, which
00:07:21.230 --> 00:07:23.209
means that out of a hundred, cause it's a rolling
00:07:23.209 --> 00:07:26.029
hundred deliveries. So you're telling me that
00:07:26.029 --> 00:07:29.129
I've had 13 late deliveries in the last hundred
00:07:29.129 --> 00:07:31.610
that I've had. I said, I can promise you, I have
00:07:31.610 --> 00:07:34.569
not seen red on my screen on any fucking delivery
00:07:34.569 --> 00:07:37.230
that I've done since starting. And every time.
00:07:37.319 --> 00:07:39.259
I've called to ask them about it when I'm trying
00:07:39.259 --> 00:07:41.699
to explain to them, it's saying this, I know
00:07:41.699 --> 00:07:43.540
for a fact, and I also had gotten a notification
00:07:43.540 --> 00:07:45.720
that said after getting to the delivery point,
00:07:45.800 --> 00:07:48.199
you sat there for 10 minutes or more before delivering
00:07:48.199 --> 00:07:49.959
the order. And I'm like, I promise you there's
00:07:49.959 --> 00:07:52.839
no fucking way I've ever done that. Improbable,
00:07:52.839 --> 00:07:55.759
impossible, never happened. So when I called
00:07:55.759 --> 00:07:57.540
them to talk to them about this and they kept
00:07:57.540 --> 00:07:59.620
telling me, no, no, no, no, it's not affecting
00:07:59.620 --> 00:08:01.500
your thing. And I'm like, I promise you it's
00:08:01.500 --> 00:08:03.839
affecting me. It bumped me out of platinum into
00:08:03.839 --> 00:08:06.439
gold, which takes away my ability to do catering.
00:08:06.540 --> 00:08:08.220
orders bigger orders that pay more this that
00:08:08.220 --> 00:08:10.680
and the other this is ridiculous and so i kept
00:08:10.680 --> 00:08:13.300
and i was very cordial i was not being mean i
00:08:13.300 --> 00:08:15.180
was not cursing i was not yelling i was not being
00:08:15.180 --> 00:08:17.680
a carrot and i talked to a supervisor or manager
00:08:17.680 --> 00:08:19.839
or something oh they'll have to call you back
00:08:19.839 --> 00:08:21.759
guess what nobody's ever fucking called me back
00:08:21.759 --> 00:08:24.899
after that when i tried to call back later they'd
00:08:24.899 --> 00:08:26.699
answer and i'd be like yeah i was calling back
00:08:26.699 --> 00:08:28.660
because i spoke to somebody earlier about whatever
00:08:28.660 --> 00:08:31.019
immediately hung up on me this happened like
00:08:31.019 --> 00:08:33.379
six times in a row you've been red flagged yeah
00:08:33.379 --> 00:08:37.200
so then i had to message them the other day it
00:08:37.200 --> 00:08:40.779
was sitting at that 87 for a month i said that's
00:08:40.779 --> 00:08:43.600
impossible i've done at least over 100 orders
00:08:43.600 --> 00:08:45.620
i had to have flushed out whatever bullshit was
00:08:45.620 --> 00:08:48.639
in there so message them about the whole conversation
00:08:48.639 --> 00:08:51.440
again haven't talking to whoever just screenshotted
00:08:51.440 --> 00:08:54.980
the whole conversation and after that they put
00:08:54.980 --> 00:08:57.980
me in what i'm calling dasher jail because i
00:08:57.980 --> 00:08:59.940
went into the app because i was going to go dash
00:08:59.940 --> 00:09:02.700
because it had said it was busy suddenly jacksonville
00:09:02.700 --> 00:09:06.610
completely dead every other area around me was
00:09:06.610 --> 00:09:09.889
showing busy or very busy Jacksonville dead I
00:09:09.889 --> 00:09:11.730
said there is no fucking way if you're gonna
00:09:11.730 --> 00:09:13.830
be fucking assholes about this then I'm gonna
00:09:13.830 --> 00:09:16.029
jump over to Uber Eats so I went to Uber Eats
00:09:16.029 --> 00:09:17.870
and I had an order for Chick -fil -a and I walked
00:09:17.870 --> 00:09:19.090
into Chick -fil -a and there was like me and
00:09:19.090 --> 00:09:21.570
like six other Uber Eats and DoorDash for people
00:09:21.570 --> 00:09:23.289
standing there waiting for orders and I looked
00:09:23.289 --> 00:09:25.169
at somebody who like I saw them pull up the order
00:09:25.169 --> 00:09:26.690
and I saw that it was a DoorDash and I said hey
00:09:26.690 --> 00:09:29.149
quick question for you does it show you right
00:09:29.149 --> 00:09:31.970
now that DoorDash for this area is busy or very
00:09:31.970 --> 00:09:34.529
busy they're like oh yeah and I'm like Huh, good
00:09:34.529 --> 00:09:37.049
to fucking know. So they put me in Dasher Jail
00:09:37.049 --> 00:09:39.230
because at gold level, I can't just hit dash
00:09:39.230 --> 00:09:41.090
now whenever I want. You can only do that when
00:09:41.090 --> 00:09:43.389
you're platinum. So they put me in Dasher Jail
00:09:43.389 --> 00:09:45.590
for the day. But yeah, every time I've had to
00:09:45.590 --> 00:09:48.090
reach out and anytime I question anything, and
00:09:48.090 --> 00:09:49.789
I've reached out to the Twitter account too,
00:09:49.950 --> 00:09:51.870
and somebody reached back out and was like, oh,
00:09:51.889 --> 00:09:54.149
send us a message or whatever, because I posted
00:09:54.149 --> 00:09:55.929
on their page and they were like, send us a message.
00:09:56.049 --> 00:09:58.129
Guess what? I've sent them two messages, no fucking
00:09:58.129 --> 00:10:02.330
response. Wow. So DoorDash is very quickly getting
00:10:02.330 --> 00:10:04.429
on my shit list. I was starting to feel left
00:10:04.429 --> 00:10:06.789
out because a lot of people I knew were getting
00:10:06.789 --> 00:10:09.450
these toll messages. You know, pay this toll.
00:10:09.470 --> 00:10:11.909
It's sitting on the news, right? I finally got
00:10:11.909 --> 00:10:15.029
one. Now, most times these are bots. And if you
00:10:15.029 --> 00:10:17.590
respond to it with anything other than a Y for
00:10:17.590 --> 00:10:20.850
a yes or an N for no, you'll get this line doesn't
00:10:20.850 --> 00:10:24.450
accept. But this one didn't. Easy pass final
00:10:24.450 --> 00:10:28.860
reminder. You have an outstanding toll. Your
00:10:28.860 --> 00:10:31.360
total account balance is outstanding. Right away,
00:10:31.460 --> 00:10:32.820
they're just repeating themselves with their
00:10:32.820 --> 00:10:35.519
language. Who the fuck taught you English, motherfucker?
00:10:35.740 --> 00:10:37.840
Anyway, that wasn't racist, by the way. I'm just
00:10:37.840 --> 00:10:40.620
making an observation. If you fail to pay by
00:10:40.620 --> 00:10:43.840
March 24th, which is tomorrow, oh my God, you
00:10:43.840 --> 00:10:46.639
will be penalized or subject to legal action.
00:10:46.860 --> 00:10:49.820
Then it says now, like the word now, payment.
00:10:50.320 --> 00:10:52.000
The fuck does now payment mean? Then there's
00:10:52.000 --> 00:10:54.720
a link. And then it says, please reply Y for
00:10:54.720 --> 00:10:58.120
yes. Then exit this text and open it again to
00:10:58.120 --> 00:11:00.340
activate the link or copy the link to your Safari
00:11:00.340 --> 00:11:02.570
browser and open it. That's not going to fucking
00:11:02.570 --> 00:11:05.549
happen. Please settle your toll immediately after
00:11:05.549 --> 00:11:08.830
reading this message to avoid penalties for delaying
00:11:08.830 --> 00:11:10.490
the payment. Thank you for your cooperation.
00:11:10.990 --> 00:11:12.509
So I decided to have a little fun with this,
00:11:12.549 --> 00:11:15.730
right? So I just fired off a quick one, basically
00:11:15.730 --> 00:11:17.789
see if I would get an automated response saying
00:11:17.789 --> 00:11:20.450
it doesn't work that way. So I said, fuck off
00:11:20.450 --> 00:11:23.590
directly. A couple minutes went by. I didn't
00:11:23.590 --> 00:11:25.830
get anything. Then I said, blow me. Nothing.
00:11:26.029 --> 00:11:28.889
Then I said, eat shit. A couple minutes go by.
00:11:29.169 --> 00:11:31.419
Then I said, fuck off and die. And I never got
00:11:31.419 --> 00:11:32.980
any responses and I was kind of disappointed
00:11:32.980 --> 00:11:35.799
with that. But the bottom line is I work from
00:11:35.799 --> 00:11:38.639
home and I rarely drive. So easy pass. Ain't
00:11:38.639 --> 00:11:40.840
no way. I do have an easy pass in my vehicle,
00:11:40.879 --> 00:11:42.779
but. I haven't had one since my recruiting days
00:11:42.779 --> 00:11:45.639
in New Jersey. Okay. So easy pass. I know you're
00:11:45.639 --> 00:11:48.240
a legitimate business. So I'm not picking on
00:11:48.240 --> 00:11:51.440
you. But whoever the stupid motherfucker is that's
00:11:51.440 --> 00:11:54.299
trying to get people to pay this, stop doing
00:11:54.299 --> 00:11:56.860
it. Because when I'm really, really bored and
00:11:56.860 --> 00:11:58.480
I'm off work right now because I'm on medical
00:11:58.480 --> 00:12:00.519
leave, I will start digging into shit. And I
00:12:00.519 --> 00:12:02.419
will fucking track your shit down. And I'll start
00:12:02.419 --> 00:12:04.039
fucking with you in ways that you never imagined.
00:12:04.320 --> 00:12:07.100
Yeah, I don't. Mine's an easy pass, too. He's
00:12:07.100 --> 00:12:09.740
the Liam Neeson of scammers. I will find you
00:12:09.740 --> 00:12:11.500
and I will kill you. I will get on the phone
00:12:11.500 --> 00:12:13.220
with you for an hour, an hour and a half, two
00:12:13.220 --> 00:12:15.200
hours, however long it takes to make you think
00:12:15.200 --> 00:12:16.419
that I'm going to pay this shit. And I'll keep
00:12:16.419 --> 00:12:18.200
stringing you along and along and along. along
00:12:18.200 --> 00:12:19.759
and along and along. You're not getting a fucking
00:12:19.759 --> 00:12:21.519
dime from me, but I'm wasting your time. Right.
00:12:21.639 --> 00:12:24.000
The time that you're spending dealing with me
00:12:24.000 --> 00:12:26.299
is less time you're actually scamming other people.
00:12:26.620 --> 00:12:28.840
Yeah. In regards to your job inquiry, I have
00:12:28.840 --> 00:12:31.299
an offer for a full or part -time personal assistant
00:12:31.299 --> 00:12:34.799
job, blah, blah, blah. All right. Send me your
00:12:34.799 --> 00:12:37.220
email. Then I can send you the website to go
00:12:37.220 --> 00:12:39.700
through and read the terms and necessary information
00:12:39.700 --> 00:12:43.080
you need for the job. Space period, lowercase.
00:12:43.200 --> 00:12:47.649
Do you understood? Dead giveaway, right? Like,
00:12:47.710 --> 00:12:51.250
okay, no. I don't understood. I don't be understood,
00:12:51.429 --> 00:12:54.220
son. You see, now. Now we're going to touch on
00:12:54.220 --> 00:12:56.179
another thing that's one of my fucking pet peeves.
00:12:56.259 --> 00:12:58.620
I'm a fucking grammar Nazi. Oh, yeah. I will
00:12:58.620 --> 00:13:00.960
fucking admit it. If I'm on social media and
00:13:00.960 --> 00:13:03.440
if somebody is trying to make a point, particularly
00:13:03.440 --> 00:13:06.279
if it's a meme or if it's something that somebody
00:13:06.279 --> 00:13:08.720
was trying to be creative with. You know what
00:13:08.720 --> 00:13:10.960
I meant. So that response there, you know what
00:13:10.960 --> 00:13:12.799
I meant or you knew what I meant. When you're
00:13:12.799 --> 00:13:14.340
dealing with someone that's trying to scam you
00:13:14.340 --> 00:13:16.299
and they make a slip up like that and you fucking
00:13:16.299 --> 00:13:18.299
call them on their shit. You knew what I meant.
00:13:18.320 --> 00:13:20.799
It's not a proper response. If I knew what you
00:13:20.799 --> 00:13:22.919
fucking meant, I would have asked. do it to my
00:13:22.919 --> 00:13:24.519
daughter all the time she'll use like improper
00:13:24.519 --> 00:13:26.240
grammar and i'll correct her she's like whatever
00:13:26.240 --> 00:13:27.840
you know what i meant i'm like they're there
00:13:27.840 --> 00:13:29.759
and they're your your don't even get me started
00:13:29.759 --> 00:13:31.600
on that shit because i will fucking you know
00:13:31.600 --> 00:13:35.059
uh improper use of theirs make me they trigger
00:13:35.059 --> 00:13:39.620
me yeah you can over semanticize something is
00:13:39.620 --> 00:13:42.159
that even a word it sounds cool if it's not it
00:13:42.159 --> 00:13:44.600
sounded good but it sounded sexy actually listen
00:13:44.600 --> 00:13:47.190
if we're talking if you and i are speaking and
00:13:47.190 --> 00:13:49.649
you're speaking in terms of your, your, and your,
00:13:49.730 --> 00:13:51.789
and they, you know, two, two, and two, et cetera,
00:13:51.889 --> 00:13:54.590
et cetera, et cetera, I get it if you really
00:13:54.590 --> 00:13:56.529
don't know. But when you put it in writing, and
00:13:56.529 --> 00:14:00.009
this is unfortunate, people judge you based on
00:14:00.009 --> 00:14:03.409
your ability to write. There was a time where
00:14:03.409 --> 00:14:05.690
people will make an excuse. They'll say, this
00:14:05.690 --> 00:14:09.070
was sent from my iPhone. Please excuse grammatical
00:14:09.070 --> 00:14:12.210
errors. Oh, no, fuck that. How about no? No.
00:14:12.750 --> 00:14:14.509
No, we're not going to do that. How about you
00:14:14.509 --> 00:14:17.529
proofread your fucking email and send it out
00:14:17.529 --> 00:14:20.110
now? Not for nothing. I am the poster child.
00:14:20.289 --> 00:14:22.549
If you look in the Webster's Dictionary, for
00:14:22.549 --> 00:14:25.350
those of you who know what that is, and look
00:14:25.350 --> 00:14:29.110
under guaranteed to be a fuck up, my picture's
00:14:29.110 --> 00:14:31.399
right next to it. Because I will fuck up something
00:14:31.399 --> 00:14:33.279
and I look at it and go, God damn, I can't believe
00:14:33.279 --> 00:14:36.399
I did that again 100 % of the time. So I understand
00:14:36.399 --> 00:14:38.279
that people do it, but I expect to be judged
00:14:38.279 --> 00:14:40.740
harshly. This is why I like the fact that with
00:14:40.740 --> 00:14:43.419
iPhones, there's an edit option now for when
00:14:43.419 --> 00:14:47.620
it inevitably auto -corrects a your to the wrong
00:14:47.620 --> 00:14:49.360
your or a there to the wrong there. And I'm like,
00:14:49.399 --> 00:14:51.320
bitch, I spelled it right the first time. Yep.
00:14:51.320 --> 00:14:54.299
I always send it, then read it, and then edit.
00:14:54.940 --> 00:14:56.700
Just so you know, I will never say duck you,
00:14:56.899 --> 00:14:59.919
okay? Never. I'm never saying duck you. It is
00:14:59.919 --> 00:15:02.080
always fuck you. I went to the trucking, you
00:15:02.080 --> 00:15:05.279
know, I went to the trucking store. No. No, it's
00:15:05.279 --> 00:15:07.340
always fuck. I will never say duck off. I will
00:15:07.340 --> 00:15:09.919
never say what the duck. I mean, come on. What
00:15:09.919 --> 00:15:12.659
the duck? Although, we could change the show
00:15:12.659 --> 00:15:16.309
name in season two to What the Duck. Said no
00:15:16.309 --> 00:15:18.409
one ever. No, we're not fucking doing this. So
00:15:18.409 --> 00:15:21.090
let's talk about Walmart. Yeah, I want to hear
00:15:21.090 --> 00:15:24.529
about line skippers at the Walmart self -checkout.
00:15:24.929 --> 00:15:32.029
Fucking Walmart. So here's the deal, okay? I
00:15:32.029 --> 00:15:34.750
know there's two camps with this. Some people
00:15:34.750 --> 00:15:37.169
really have an issue with the self -checkout.
00:15:37.230 --> 00:15:38.990
Like, fuck, I'm not a Walmart employee. Why the
00:15:38.990 --> 00:15:40.789
fuck do I have to do self -checkout, right? And
00:15:40.789 --> 00:15:42.470
I understand that from a certain perspective.
00:15:42.990 --> 00:15:45.129
I'm the other person. I don't mind the self -checkout.
00:15:45.149 --> 00:15:46.809
I've gotten so fucking good at it now. I have
00:15:46.809 --> 00:15:48.889
my own method. I'm in and out. Zip, zip, zip.
00:15:48.970 --> 00:15:51.110
I'm done. I'm the fuck out of there the least
00:15:51.110 --> 00:15:53.230
amount of time that I have to spend in there.
00:15:53.309 --> 00:15:54.570
Especially when you've only got a couple things.
00:15:54.730 --> 00:15:56.029
Why do you need to stand in a fucking line and
00:15:56.029 --> 00:15:58.269
let somebody scan it? Do it yourself. This Walmart,
00:15:58.529 --> 00:16:00.529
when you go to check out, if you're in the line
00:16:00.529 --> 00:16:02.090
that forms to the right, you go to the right.
00:16:02.169 --> 00:16:03.830
If you're in the line that forms to the left,
00:16:03.850 --> 00:16:05.750
you go to the registers to the left. And each
00:16:05.750 --> 00:16:08.429
section has a whole bunch of self -checkouts.
00:16:08.590 --> 00:16:11.330
And in each of those sections, there are sometimes
00:16:11.330 --> 00:16:13.240
two or three. registers where you can actually
00:16:13.240 --> 00:16:14.840
just go to a register somebody can check you
00:16:14.840 --> 00:16:17.899
out right so i'm in the right line i get up to
00:16:17.899 --> 00:16:19.799
the point where i'm standing there and i'm looking
00:16:19.799 --> 00:16:21.519
over to the right which is where you're supposed
00:16:21.519 --> 00:16:23.700
to go and i'm looking for the next available
00:16:23.700 --> 00:16:26.320
one as soon as i see green i'm going this cocksucker
00:16:26.320 --> 00:16:28.259
to the left of me he should be looking to the
00:16:28.259 --> 00:16:31.080
left to go that way he decides that he sees the
00:16:31.080 --> 00:16:32.840
green light to the right and decides it's going
00:16:32.840 --> 00:16:34.759
to be a good fucking idea to cut in front of
00:16:34.759 --> 00:16:37.460
me oh yeah i wasn't having it i'm like uh Do
00:16:37.460 --> 00:16:39.480
you not understand how this fucking works? And
00:16:39.480 --> 00:16:40.740
then he just kind of stood there like, what are
00:16:40.740 --> 00:16:42.200
you going to do? Fucking fight me for it? And
00:16:42.200 --> 00:16:43.960
then I proceeded to go over to the one that just
00:16:43.960 --> 00:16:46.000
lit up. So then I'm like, okay, that was a one
00:16:46.000 --> 00:16:48.500
-off. So a couple days go by. And for whatever
00:16:48.500 --> 00:16:50.559
reason, I'm in that right line again. It's just
00:16:50.559 --> 00:16:52.960
because some of the things I shop for, it just
00:16:52.960 --> 00:16:54.559
makes more sense for me to enter it from that
00:16:54.559 --> 00:16:57.899
way. So this time, it wasn't a fucking idiot
00:16:57.899 --> 00:16:59.899
that was in the left line that cuts in front
00:16:59.899 --> 00:17:02.259
of me. I had a guy behind me. tried to come around
00:17:02.259 --> 00:17:05.160
me and go and take the next one that I was going
00:17:05.160 --> 00:17:06.779
to take. I'm like, that's not how this works,
00:17:06.819 --> 00:17:09.940
dude. What the fuck? I know. I'm like, I don't
00:17:09.940 --> 00:17:11.279
care if you're in a hurry. I don't care if this
00:17:11.279 --> 00:17:12.799
is a medical emergency. I don't care if you're
00:17:12.799 --> 00:17:14.339
bleeding out of your ass. I don't care what the
00:17:14.339 --> 00:17:16.460
situation is. But you don't fucking go around
00:17:16.460 --> 00:17:19.160
people and fucking jack up the line. And I literally
00:17:19.160 --> 00:17:21.240
said, what the fuck do you think you're doing?
00:17:21.420 --> 00:17:23.480
Well, I just, no, no, there's no just to it.
00:17:23.480 --> 00:17:25.799
No, there's a line for a reason. It's not just...
00:17:26.259 --> 00:17:28.460
person seven people back from us can just jump
00:17:28.460 --> 00:17:30.740
what jake you should have sent him to the back
00:17:30.740 --> 00:17:32.720
of the line get to the back of the line right
00:17:32.720 --> 00:17:34.359
like the teacher be like oh you want to get out
00:17:34.359 --> 00:17:36.559
get to the back of the line bitch very back where
00:17:36.559 --> 00:17:38.140
you live what do they call the people that are
00:17:38.140 --> 00:17:42.289
watching you The waste of fucking salary? I'm
00:17:42.289 --> 00:17:45.470
sorry. No, the monitors, right? The helpers?
00:17:45.569 --> 00:17:46.710
Well, I mean, they do have to be there because
00:17:46.710 --> 00:17:48.670
like for spark drivers and stuff like that, they
00:17:48.670 --> 00:17:50.170
do have to come over and check our shit because
00:17:50.170 --> 00:17:52.230
we don't actually scan anything. Or the fact
00:17:52.230 --> 00:17:54.609
that 90 % of American people are idiots when
00:17:54.609 --> 00:17:57.089
it comes to self -checkout computers. And people
00:17:57.089 --> 00:17:58.849
be trying to steal shit, so they got to keep
00:17:58.849 --> 00:18:01.009
an eye on it and be like, oh. Especially through
00:18:01.009 --> 00:18:03.390
self -checkout where they won't scan everything.
00:18:03.589 --> 00:18:05.430
She was looking at me like, please don't start
00:18:05.430 --> 00:18:07.009
a fight. She kind of like gave me the deer in
00:18:07.009 --> 00:18:08.839
a headlight look and I'm like. And I just kind
00:18:08.839 --> 00:18:10.279
of gave her a look back. I ain't going to start
00:18:10.279 --> 00:18:12.099
no fight if ain't going to be no fight. Listen,
00:18:12.180 --> 00:18:15.220
and here's the thing. Jake looks like someone
00:18:15.220 --> 00:18:19.220
who will fuck you up. So he looks like a fucking
00:18:19.220 --> 00:18:26.079
fight starter, which is partially why we don't
00:18:26.079 --> 00:18:28.039
fuck with him too much. Must be the long hair
00:18:28.039 --> 00:18:30.859
and the beard. Yeah. Yeah. I might look like
00:18:30.859 --> 00:18:33.480
a biker. You know, I don't know. Possibly. Both
00:18:33.480 --> 00:18:36.299
of these incidents, they were guys. And you would
00:18:36.299 --> 00:18:38.579
think that there would be some kind of guy code.
00:18:38.740 --> 00:18:41.619
Some dude code, exactly. Yeah, it's got to be
00:18:41.619 --> 00:18:52.619
a dude code. A bro code. Two times people tried
00:18:52.619 --> 00:18:54.640
to cut in front of me in line and both times
00:18:54.640 --> 00:18:57.500
Jake wasn't having it. And both times, both of
00:18:57.500 --> 00:18:59.359
those people were fucking idiots. You know, you
00:18:59.359 --> 00:19:00.980
just don't do shit like that. Go to an amusement
00:19:00.980 --> 00:19:03.000
park and stand in line for 45 minutes to get
00:19:03.000 --> 00:19:04.819
on a ride and try to cut the line and watch what
00:19:04.819 --> 00:19:07.079
happens. Oh, you'll get eaten the fuck up. Oh,
00:19:07.099 --> 00:19:10.140
you'll get beat up. Yeah. These wackadoodles,
00:19:10.180 --> 00:19:12.420
when you think your time is more important than
00:19:12.420 --> 00:19:15.799
everyone else's. Yeah. Drivers that matter, right?
00:19:16.079 --> 00:19:18.319
Skipping line at the Walmart self -checkout,
00:19:18.380 --> 00:19:21.160
which to me is really. Literally the only time
00:19:21.160 --> 00:19:23.200
that I will skip line. If somebody looks behind
00:19:23.200 --> 00:19:24.920
me and goes, oh, you just have one thing. And
00:19:24.920 --> 00:19:25.940
I'm like, yeah, they're like, okay, yeah, go
00:19:25.940 --> 00:19:28.359
ahead. I mean, like, that's different. And I'm
00:19:28.359 --> 00:19:30.599
totally fine with that. And I do that shit a
00:19:30.599 --> 00:19:33.440
lot. Like, dude, grab it. But if you just like
00:19:33.440 --> 00:19:35.819
have the entitlement of like, I'm a door dasher.
00:19:35.859 --> 00:19:37.559
I'm more important than you. I need to go ahead
00:19:37.559 --> 00:19:40.079
of you. No, no, no. I will stand and wait. But
00:19:40.079 --> 00:19:41.359
if somebody goes, oh, you just have like one
00:19:41.359 --> 00:19:43.000
or two. Go ahead. You're fine, honey. Go ahead
00:19:43.000 --> 00:19:44.619
of me. You know, it never even crossed my mind
00:19:44.619 --> 00:19:46.339
that both of those individuals may have been.
00:19:46.619 --> 00:19:48.559
people that do that. They could event. Some people
00:19:48.559 --> 00:19:50.660
are like wildly entitled. They're like, Oh, I
00:19:50.660 --> 00:19:53.259
I'm on a deadline. First of all, when you are
00:19:53.259 --> 00:19:55.880
doing any of that, yes, there are timelines,
00:19:55.980 --> 00:19:58.259
but at the same time, like there's the, when
00:19:58.259 --> 00:20:01.240
you sign up, we know that you're going to encounter
00:20:01.240 --> 00:20:04.319
lines. So it's factored in. Actually, I'm glad
00:20:04.319 --> 00:20:06.519
you brought that up because this Walmart has
00:20:06.519 --> 00:20:08.940
basically did, they went through a major remodel
00:20:08.940 --> 00:20:11.720
outside of those two areas for self -checkout.
00:20:11.779 --> 00:20:14.299
There is one lane on the left side of the store
00:20:14.299 --> 00:20:15.759
and one lane on the right side of the store.
00:20:15.920 --> 00:20:18.000
for people that are doing just that. Right. Yeah,
00:20:18.039 --> 00:20:19.839
save, which is smart. So they don't have to wait
00:20:19.839 --> 00:20:22.339
in those lines, okay? Sponsor us, Walmart, even
00:20:22.339 --> 00:20:25.059
though we're ragging on you. Fucking Walmart.
00:20:25.359 --> 00:20:28.859
We love you, Wally World. One of my go -to over
00:20:28.859 --> 00:20:30.779
-the -counter meds, which I absolutely love,
00:20:30.940 --> 00:20:32.619
and this goes back to my Navy days, is fucking
00:20:32.619 --> 00:20:34.799
NyQuil, okay? Oh, yes. And I'm talking about
00:20:34.799 --> 00:20:38.500
the original Green Death. Yes. We used to sell
00:20:38.500 --> 00:20:40.099
that shit on a black market on Navy ships for
00:20:40.099 --> 00:20:41.660
like five bucks a shot, like if you couldn't
00:20:41.660 --> 00:20:43.740
sleep. So it has a shitload of alcohol in it,
00:20:43.799 --> 00:20:46.059
right? And as a recovering alcoholic, that's
00:20:46.059 --> 00:20:47.500
probably not the best thing for me to be taking,
00:20:47.579 --> 00:20:49.779
but I don't chug it like it's fucking Jack Daniels.
00:20:49.779 --> 00:20:51.740
I don't put a straw in it and fucking go to town.
00:20:51.859 --> 00:20:54.500
I use it to help me sleep. Now, I'm in Tennessee.
00:20:54.680 --> 00:20:57.720
Tennessee is part of the Bible Belt. Right. And
00:20:57.720 --> 00:20:59.940
the Bible Belt has some built -in restrictions
00:20:59.940 --> 00:21:02.940
on things that you can and can't sell on Sundays
00:21:02.940 --> 00:21:06.059
before noon, meaning alcohol. Having said that.
00:21:06.299 --> 00:21:09.299
Walmart will card you for NyQuil because of the
00:21:09.299 --> 00:21:11.259
amount of alcohol that's in it. When you go to
00:21:11.259 --> 00:21:12.960
self -checkout, it'll get flagged. They have
00:21:12.960 --> 00:21:14.779
to come over. And most of the people there know
00:21:14.779 --> 00:21:16.599
me by now. They don't even ask for my ID anymore.
00:21:16.640 --> 00:21:18.279
They just do their little code, and they approve
00:21:18.279 --> 00:21:19.880
it, and they move along. Sometimes they actually
00:21:19.880 --> 00:21:22.440
will card you to see if you're 21 to buy NyQuil.
00:21:22.680 --> 00:21:25.599
Early in my recovery from alcohol, I was drinking
00:21:25.599 --> 00:21:28.960
this zero alcohol beer, O'Doul's. Now, O'Doul's
00:21:28.960 --> 00:21:32.319
has 0 .05 % alcohol, so there is still some alcohol
00:21:32.319 --> 00:21:34.980
in it, okay? Because the technology has improved,
00:21:35.099 --> 00:21:37.099
there are some beers out there now that are truly
00:21:37.099 --> 00:21:40.759
0 % alcohol. Guinness Zero, dude. Heineken Zero,
00:21:41.000 --> 00:21:43.180
which is fucking awesome, right? Guinness Zero
00:21:43.180 --> 00:21:45.400
is really good for cooking, believe it or not.
00:21:45.440 --> 00:21:47.539
First time I got Heineken Zero, I got carded.
00:21:47.539 --> 00:21:49.640
I'm like, you realize... There's no alcohol in
00:21:49.640 --> 00:21:51.059
this, right? They're like, oh, no. This lady
00:21:51.059 --> 00:21:53.000
was like, oh, some beers, even though it says
00:21:53.000 --> 00:21:54.779
that some beers, I'm like, no. It literally says
00:21:54.779 --> 00:21:58.119
on here 0 .0, not a speck. Yeah. She's like,
00:21:58.180 --> 00:22:00.440
well, it's considered beer. That's why, you know.
00:22:00.519 --> 00:22:02.559
Okay, you're making this shit up, ma 'am. This
00:22:02.559 --> 00:22:04.480
might as well just be a beer flavored soda. She
00:22:04.480 --> 00:22:06.700
was talking out of her ass. But anyway, so you
00:22:06.700 --> 00:22:09.220
get carded for non -alcoholic beer. You also
00:22:09.220 --> 00:22:12.640
get carded for NyQuil. And you also cannot buy
00:22:12.640 --> 00:22:14.839
alcohol before noon on Sunday. Do you see where
00:22:14.839 --> 00:22:17.619
I'm going with this? Yes. Okay. So I decided
00:22:17.619 --> 00:22:21.140
to be. that guy one time recently. So it was
00:22:21.140 --> 00:22:23.500
a Sunday morning. It was 10, 1030 in the morning
00:22:23.500 --> 00:22:25.500
and I wanted to test a theory. So I went and
00:22:25.500 --> 00:22:27.460
got some NyQuil and I'm doing the self -checkout
00:22:27.460 --> 00:22:29.599
and it flags me for the ID. So she comes over
00:22:29.599 --> 00:22:31.740
and she knows me. I mean, I don't have any problem
00:22:31.740 --> 00:22:33.779
with this particular person. So she puts the
00:22:33.779 --> 00:22:35.420
code in and I'm like, I have a question for you.
00:22:35.460 --> 00:22:37.900
It is Sunday morning. It is not noon. You're
00:22:37.900 --> 00:22:40.420
carding me for an alcoholic beverage, but you're
00:22:40.420 --> 00:22:42.119
going to allow me to buy it even though it's
00:22:42.119 --> 00:22:44.430
not noon. How does that work? And she goes. Dead
00:22:44.430 --> 00:22:46.210
silence. And she knows me by name. She's like,
00:22:46.269 --> 00:22:48.069
Jake, I don't write the rules here. What are
00:22:48.069 --> 00:22:50.309
you busting my balls here for? Love that. Okay.
00:22:50.369 --> 00:22:52.430
Now, if I had come through that line and if I
00:22:52.430 --> 00:22:55.509
had had a six pack of O'Doul's or Heineken Zero
00:22:55.509 --> 00:22:57.930
or regular beer for that matter, along with the
00:22:57.930 --> 00:23:01.599
NyQuil, I couldn't have bought the beer. I could
00:23:01.599 --> 00:23:03.019
have bought the NyQuil, though. They would have
00:23:03.019 --> 00:23:04.920
carded me for the NyQuil, but they would have
00:23:04.920 --> 00:23:06.900
said, you have to wait until 12 to buy the beer.
00:23:07.420 --> 00:23:09.640
I'm a connoisseur of all the quills, all the
00:23:09.640 --> 00:23:13.039
NyQuils. The quills, yeah. He's a quill connoisseur.
00:23:13.059 --> 00:23:15.339
There's two new ones. There's a pain quill, which
00:23:15.339 --> 00:23:18.599
is basically Tylenol in NyQuil form. And there's
00:23:18.599 --> 00:23:20.359
a daytime version and there's a nighttime version.
00:23:20.579 --> 00:23:23.539
And both of those have, guess what? Alcohol.
00:23:24.059 --> 00:23:26.619
Alcohol. And it's the same amount of alcohol
00:23:26.619 --> 00:23:29.039
in NyQuil or DayQuil. First time I saw this,
00:23:29.119 --> 00:23:30.140
I'm like, oh, this is pretty cool. I want to
00:23:30.140 --> 00:23:32.339
try this, right? So I got a box, and the box
00:23:32.339 --> 00:23:34.319
had a daytime version and a nighttime version.
00:23:34.420 --> 00:23:36.640
And it says right on the box, contains 10 % alcohol.
00:23:36.880 --> 00:23:38.619
Same amount of alcohol that's in NyQuil. Why
00:23:38.619 --> 00:23:41.059
does NyQuil have so much alcohol in it? So you
00:23:41.059 --> 00:23:44.359
can sleep. Yeah. Peacefully. I go through self
00:23:44.359 --> 00:23:46.819
-checkout, does not get flagged to be ID. Are
00:23:46.819 --> 00:23:49.480
you fucking serious? Does not. Maybe it's not
00:23:49.480 --> 00:23:52.039
in their system correctly to notify them that
00:23:52.039 --> 00:23:53.859
it should be. Yeah, Don, we probably need to
00:23:53.859 --> 00:23:55.440
start that LLC pretty soon because Walmart's
00:23:55.440 --> 00:23:57.119
going to start suing my ass. That's fair. They
00:23:57.119 --> 00:23:59.180
don't have anybody to sue yet. So that's the
00:23:59.180 --> 00:24:01.259
important thing. Goddamn. These people be ragging.
00:24:01.259 --> 00:24:03.920
Be like, then be a better company. I'm in the
00:24:03.920 --> 00:24:06.519
mood for like a grill. Oh, wait. No, it's Sunday.
00:24:06.619 --> 00:24:09.529
I can't. Fucking. Chick -fil -A. Oh, my God.
00:24:09.569 --> 00:24:11.670
Yeah, see, we're getting cock -blocked all over
00:24:11.670 --> 00:24:14.529
the place here. Fuck. Never mind. I guess I'm
00:24:14.529 --> 00:24:16.569
not going to Chick -fil -A today. I wanted to
00:24:16.569 --> 00:24:19.450
get a grilled chicken sandwich. Chicken -blocked
00:24:19.450 --> 00:24:22.470
by Chick -fil -A on a fucking Sunday. They have
00:24:22.470 --> 00:24:25.549
that new barbecue smokehouse one. It looks really
00:24:25.549 --> 00:24:27.450
good. I wanted to try. They got a new sandwich
00:24:27.450 --> 00:24:29.670
that has cilantro lime sauce on it. I definitely
00:24:29.670 --> 00:24:31.250
want to fucking try that. Where is this? Not
00:24:31.250 --> 00:24:33.470
in my market. Chick -fil -A. Maybe that's only
00:24:33.470 --> 00:24:35.269
by you. Well, don't tell me that shit the fucking
00:24:35.269 --> 00:24:36.609
day it's Sunday. I know.