Season 1 Blooper Reel

WEBVTT

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I'm Jake Jacobs. This is Sammy. This is the Don.

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And you're listening to What the F - I forgot

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this because I tell this - Oh, hello, cat. Hold

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on. Where did you come from? Sorry. Interruptus.

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Girl. Let go, let go, let go. So sorry. We'll

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be editing that out. All right. Take two. And

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he was being real sheepish. Say that ten times,

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Jake. Sheepish. I don't know. So take two. Let

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me try talking again. The delusion. Always a

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cat interrupting this damn podcast. This is during

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the part when we don't have to put it in there.

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I like that Harley -Davidson mug. You like that?

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Man, this thing will hurt somebody if you chuck

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it at them. Of course, it costs $25, so I would

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hope it would hurt somebody. Well, it's got Harley

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-Davidson written on the side of it. You know

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what HD stands for? $100. It's distasteful. It's

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distasteful. Hold on. Rented lips. Sorry. Words

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are hard. Anybody actually use the Better People

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Business website? Of course, you know what? I

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don't do that anymore. I'm such a sweetheart

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now these days. I'm about to sell this shit on

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eBay because you know what? I don't give a fuck.

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No fucks given. I'm just going to step away real

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quick to grab me another cup of coffee because

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while we're waiting on fucking Don to get his

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shit together, I drank the fucking coffee. I

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had to fill up my water bottle. Hey, Don, check

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out this shirt. Go fuck yourself. I love that.

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We love some Jake. Yeah. Yeah. And that means

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I got to pretty myself up for this shit. Me too.

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So that's going to take a lot of work. We don't

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have all the time in the fucking day for that.

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Cause I'm a passive aggressive, petty bitch.

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And that's okay. Son of a bitch. I have to cancel

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it. If you're born stupid, you don't know. You

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don't know any fucking. Yeah. It's like being

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dead. That is f***ed up, Jake. Get real close

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to that mic. Ooh, Samantha, that was kind of

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pornesque. So the three of us... Motherf***er.

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So much violence. F***ing up the pop shield.

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Made out of swamp ash. No, I didn't say swamp

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ass. God, I hope it's not made out of swamp ass.

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I identify as a woman who's been pregnant. Well,

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s***. I hope I didn't f*** that up, but... I

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may be good looking, but I can't sing where the

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fuck. See you next Tuesday. I have a little enamel

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pin. I love that. Excuse me. Nice. I'm not like

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Jake where it's like, hey, ladies. Well, you

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know, hey. Check out this dick. Got that fucking

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Barry White voice going on. Come on to my house.

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Hey, mama. Be my biatch. Giddens. Giddens. Fuck

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me running. Words are hard, man. Giddens. Stop

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watching fucking Pornhub on your phone there,

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first of all. Yeah, let's. Settle down a little

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bit there, Jake. I read smut like it's my fucking

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job. Going through midget porn withdrawals right

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about now. Most of them are pretty cool. I hear

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things going on down there that are just not

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good. Right at like tit level for me. It's so

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big. I'm 5 '6 for reference. Did you just say

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tit level? I did. It's a unit of measure. Tit

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level. Tit level. I'm going to giggle at that

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for the rest of the fucking day. Thank you, Samantha.

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You're welcome. We want to have a job sometimes

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or not. He didn't say blow job. Listen, I'll

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take what I can fucking get at this point. Job's

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a job, man. 20 bucks is 20 bucks, motherfucker.

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So are you going to survive over there? I'm good.

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That's what you get for smoking that fucking

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skunk weed, girlfriend. Stop fucking with that

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cheap shit. Remember, I'm the fucking guy that

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still has a job at... True that. Well, that explains

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his fucking attitude then. City of brotherly

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fucking love my ass. Hookers and blow and all,

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whatever. I didn't do that. The hooker part I

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did. That was fun. That was fun. Come on in and

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lay down on my couch and tell Jake. I'm like

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fucking trying to tune in Tokyo. Nice. So here

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we go. That's why God gave us all nipples. I

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know, right? Play with mine. I know that's going

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to be on a blooper reel somewhere. Try to keep

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me and Don contained. And good f***ing luck with

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that. There is no law that says your manager

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can't be a total f***. She's taking full advantage

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of that. A pro -level piece of f***. Most people

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look at me and go, okay, he's 22 and hot with

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a giant penis. And that's not what people say

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at all. Something's stuck in my throat there.

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The blooper reel is just creating itself now.

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Damn, man. That's the government penalizing you

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for good choices. He didn't say penis. The government

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penis is going to shaft you one way or another.

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Like, what do you bitch? I bitched your mom last

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night. Like, it's bitch level. But the other

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two. Customers, they can't remember a fucking

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password. Meanwhile, Jake's hungover like a bitch.

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At seven in the morning while hung the fuck over.

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Military retirees. He didn't say retarded. Well,

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plus you're a podcast superstar now, so. Yeah,

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yeah. I get like 20 people listening. How about

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that? Which means he probably has a small penis.

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God damn it. It's not what his wife says. Janky

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ass puzzle piece. Tweet, tweet, motherfucker.

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Look at my new knife. I used it to do surgery

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on my box. Yeah, don't say that. Sammy, please.

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I did. I had to cut up a box. Unless you're talking

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about dick size and we always round up anyway.

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Yeah, and I'm Irish, so she's dumber than me.

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Wow.