Road Rage Inside WalMart

WEBVTT

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I shit you negative. When the fucking Amazon

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truck doesn't show up here, people get real concerned.

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Is that okay? This motherfucker's gonna rage

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bait me, I swear to fucking God. Yeah, because

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that's how we roll, bitch. As my dad would say

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so colorfully, words are hard. Still! Like one

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of those little ones like... You build a link

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tree. Link tree this. I'll make psychedelic videos

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like I'm on heroin. I was just sitting here holding

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my Cheez -It. Sam was finally in her Cheez -It

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stick. What the fuck is going on outside of my

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yard? Is it Wild Kingdom there? Not a hardy.

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Softy. A hardy. Not a hardy. It's a softy. I'm

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Jake Jacobs. This is Sammy. This is the Don.

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And you're listening to What the Fuck. Welcome

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to What the Fuck, the podcast where we say all

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the things you're thinking, but probably shouldn't.

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So Jake, last week, you had a little situation

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at the house with the AC, with the HVAC going

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on. Is it fixed now? Well, let me tell you a

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story about that. Or is it just band -aided up

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again? Well, it's fixed, and it is fixed so well

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that I woke up in the middle of the night, so

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cold. I was curled up into the fetal position

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with my hands in my crotch, and I swear to God,

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when I woke up, my sperm were frozen, okay? It

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was that fucking cold. Damn. So I have AC now.

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Must be something in the water. Two days ago.

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Uh -oh. Don, don't tell me. I get home from the

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shop. I walk in. Melissa says, I don't think

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the air conditioner's working. I said, well,

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it feels pretty fucking good in here. Oh, my

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God. She said, you just came out of the 108 -degree.

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weather and it's 83 degrees in the house which

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is normally blistering hot to me she says well

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you just walked inside so it does feel cool but

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wait sure as shit fucking air conditioner doesn't

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work so i popped up in the drain thing and it's

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full of water it got wet carpet all this shit

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no big deal not my first rodeo so i blew it out

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with the fucking vac the whole thing bleach vinegar

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still didn't fucking work And to say that I didn't

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sleep worth a fiddler's fuck is an understatement.

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So last night, I finally called the AC guy because

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it wasn't working. The guy shows up at 10 o 'clock

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last night. God bless him. Appreciate you. Wow,

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that's some service there. Yeah, he showed up

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and he had put in one of my other units, right?

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And he's going to have to replace this one eventually.

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But he said, what's it doing? I said, it's humming,

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but it's not cool. And I got to take a stick

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and get the fan going. I thought maybe that would

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work. Maybe it was just the rain. I don't know.

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Nah, you need a relay. I'm like, cool, just a

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relay. How much is that going to cost? $205 for

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a relay, a little relay. $205 plus service call.

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I was like, well, you know, I'll play your fucking

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game. What's going to be the cost overall here?

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Because I see you tap dancing around that. $290

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fucking dollars later, which, okay, fine. And

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didn't give a fuck. He says, oh, we don't have

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to do it if you don't want. Touche, brother.

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I said, yeah, make it happen, Captain. So I got

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that shit done. $290 fucking dollars. My house

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feels delightful now. But I got to start looking

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at a new unit because it's 13 years old. What

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are you going to do? Well, I mean, mine was 51

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years old. And I, too, was taking a stick trying

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to get the fan to fucking move. And it acted

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like it wanted to a couple of times. And that's,

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yeah. Oh, it started moving. Once I got the stick

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and I was like, eh. It would slowly crank up

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to speed like an old P3 propeller. And just,

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fuck, come on, man, you can do it. And it fired

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up. But it never cooled the house up. But last

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night, after the guy left, it worked fine. So

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I slept well. I feel good today. Everything is

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cool and shit. You said 295? $290 total, yeah,

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for a relay. You know, in the grand scheme of

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things, and the fact that he came to your house

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at 10 o 'clock at fucking night, you know, that

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doesn't sound too bad. I don't have a problem

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with it. I just think it's... And here's the

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thing, too. I said, what's a new unit cost? He

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said, about $7 ,000. I'm like, well, that's about

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$3 ,000 less than I thought it would be. So he

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says, yeah. He said, it's $10 ,000 to $15 ,000

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if you call somebody else. He said, I've done

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work at this house before. Obviously, I've got

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a couple of things. His receipts and shit, which

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is how I knew it was him. So I called him. Because

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when we bought this house, it was like, eh. And

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he said, the dude that we bought the house from

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was supposed to change out the other unit, the

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big one. And he said he never called me. So the

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motherfucker just left. Yeah, because he didn't

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have to be the one to pay for it. Because he's

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like, it's still working now. Wait, that motherfucker

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who's about to buy, he'll have to be the one

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out the money for it. Hey, this is our season

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two finale episode here. So we need to riot this

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shit up. Well, let me help contribute to that.

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So come back from Kill Devil last week. Spend

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a day and a half at home and then come down here.

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That's Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina, by the

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way. Correct. Wake up Saturday morning. To my

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father, he like came in the room. I think he

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said something to me, but I was still half dead

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to the world asleep. And so I did not register

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what he said. And then I came back out and I

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was like, did you just come in and talk to me?

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And he was like, yeah, I was telling you about

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your mother. And I was like, what? Saturday morning

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on her way to the airport in the transport van

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with other flight attendants and pilots and about

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15 minutes into their drive, some absolute. douche

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canoe while they're doing 70 miles an hour on

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the highway, sideswiped their fucking van right

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where my mother was sitting so hard that it cracked

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the fucking rim on the wheel, bent the frame.

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So she ended up in the hospital. She's home now,

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but she ended up in the hospital in like a neck

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brace and everything. They were making sure she

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was okay, doing MRIs and everything like that.

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So that happened Saturday morning. And by the

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way, it was a hit and run because motherfucker,

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when he realized how bad he fucked up, ran but

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luckily the van pitch move yeah yeah and and

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i think they were close to like uh an intersection

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so i think traffic cams got it as well as the

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van had a camera on it so detroit police is getting

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his information so that my mother can sue the

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living fuck out of this piece of shit she's walking

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around like she's in a batman suit kim whiplash

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really bad but she's i mean otherwise okay dad

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went and picked her up from the airport yesterday

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So I go out to work to do my grocery delivery,

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and I'm out, and first of all, it's dead as fuck.

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I literally, no orders coming in, even though

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it says it should be busy as shit, because Sundays

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are always busy down here. You didn't get put

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back in jail, did you? No, I think what was happening

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was because there was a really big incentive

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yesterday to make an additional $80 for just

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existing, just orders were getting picked so

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fucking quick that nothing was popping up. So

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the one that did finally pop up, I said, okay,

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fine, I'll take it. Sammy shops it. Twas a nightmare.

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Fighting all these people that are just like,

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doo -doo -doo, I'm a mosey through these aisles.

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And oh, what's this? Let me look at it for 10

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minutes and take up the... Similar to your video

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you posted. Indeed. I was getting road rage.

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Or aisle A rage. Aisle rage. Yeah, aisle rage.

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So I finally get out. I get in my car. I go to

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the place or whatever. The little note on it

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says like, hey, bring it to the back door. Just

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pull around the side of the back of the house

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and bring it to the back door. I'm like, okay,

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cool, whatever. I get there. Start off loading.

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couple bags they had some drinks whatever and

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then like i have one of those insta crates that's

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like a collapsible crate that i use for making

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it easier so i don't have to make a thousand

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trips like with a bunch of bags i just it's in

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a crate i walk it over well these people their

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backyard looked like a fucking gopher went to

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town on it there were fucking divots everywhere

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or moles yeah right so what does sammy do and

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i literally to myself said Be careful walking

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through this backyard. You're going to roll your

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fucking ankle. Pick up the, like, I got everything.

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I'd been, go to pick up the cart or the bin.

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Start walking towards the back. And this whole

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time, by the way, the wife and the husband are

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just watching me drop shit off. Like, not offering

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to help, nothing, whatever. I'm like, whatever.

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Get halfway to the back door with this crate.

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Hit a divot. Thought I was going to break my

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fucking ankle. propel forward smash the living

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shit out of this crate that i'm carrying somehow

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managed to avoid crushing their food and then

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the husband comes like oh my god are you okay

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i'm so sorry are you okay and i was like yeah

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i'm fine i'm fine you clearly know that your

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backyard is a fucking disaster zone and minefield

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Right. Like, why would you have people coming

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back here to deliver shit when I'm literally,

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as I'm delivering, looking down at your ground

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going, be careful, be careful, be careful. And

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it's like, because their grass is so high, it's

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hard to tell fully where the divots are. So I'm

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surprised I literally did not break my ankle

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and or roll it like I somehow and it was all

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grass again. Thank God. So when I hit like all

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my impact came down on like my right knee and

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my right wrist, which are a little sore today.

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But damn. Yeah. So crush the living shit out

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of my crate, which I was like, I only I have

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a three pack, but two of them are at my house.

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And this was the only one I had with me. So I'm

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like, now I have nothing in which to put fucking

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groceries. See assholes like that. They were

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probably watching you on video the whole time.

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No, they were staring out their sliding glass

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door watching me. Even worse. I mean, you know,

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fucking... And let me add to this, they did not

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fucking tip. Oh, of course not. Of course not.

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They didn't tip. And I was like, oh, so you're

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going to almost kill me in your backyard and

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then not tip me too? Oh, great. Thanks, guys.

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So let me ask you this question. If you had gotten

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seriously hurt, is there any recourse for you

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through the company that you work for? I would

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assume so in some aspect. there there would probably

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be because i mean if i had rolled my ankle or

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snapped my fucking ankle i would think so because

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technically i was on the job yeah i mean even

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if there's not i can sue them for treacherous

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correct fucking well it doesn't matter if it's

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treacherous or not you're on their property right

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i'm on your property they invited you there doing

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a job bringing you goods and services and you

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have a backyard that looks like a gopher just

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said This looks like fun. Let me go fuck it up.

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Cue in the Caddyshack theme right now. It had

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rained relatively recently, so the ground was

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also a little softer. But yeah, like he literally

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can't. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'm like, if

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you're so sorry, fucking tip me for the bullshit

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you just put me through. Right. I can't possibly

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be the only person that's ever tripped and fallen

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on your backyard delivering your fucking groceries.

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I can guarantee you weren't. I'm really tempted

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to reach out to Spark and specifically tag that.

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Be like, hey, I don't know if you guys have had

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complaints about this property. No deliveries

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in the backyard. do they do that i mean would

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they flag somebody i'm sure i could probably

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i i mean i can at least submit it yeah and they

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were like my age like they were like millennial

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aged people so it's not like they were like old

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people that are like hey like watching the youngins

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fucking wipe out or no they were fucking my age

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and i'm like y 'all should know better Like,

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what the hell? Did you hear what you just said?

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Millennials, there's your fucking problem. Right

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fucking there. Just for the record, I'm not saying

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all millennials are fuck -ups. Some of us have

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to ruin it for the rest of us. That reputation

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didn't come because of, you know, every single

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millennial is a good person. They're not. They're

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idiots for the most part. Thank goodness I do

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not fall into that category. Last week when we

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recorded, when I was sweating my ass off and

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my sperm wasn't being frozen by my newly fixed

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AC, I decided I wanted some Chick -fil -A for

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lunch. And Chick -fil -A is about a 10 -minute

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drive there, 10 -minute drive back. People lose

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their fucking minds driving during lunchtime

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on Friday in Nashville. I don't know what it

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is, but twice on the way to Chick -fil -A, I

00:12:15.100 --> 00:12:17.399
almost got hit. By people just either pulling

00:12:17.399 --> 00:12:19.279
out in front of me or not watching what the fuck

00:12:19.279 --> 00:12:20.919
they're doing or maybe people being on their

00:12:20.919 --> 00:12:22.659
cell phones. I don't know, Don. I know that's

00:12:22.659 --> 00:12:26.240
a sore spot for you. Probably. And then on the

00:12:26.240 --> 00:12:29.340
way back from Chick -fil -A, I had a person who

00:12:29.340 --> 00:12:31.799
couldn't decide if they wanted to swerve over

00:12:31.799 --> 00:12:33.860
to the left lane to turn left or if they wanted

00:12:33.860 --> 00:12:35.940
to stay halfway in the lane. And I was trying

00:12:35.940 --> 00:12:37.440
to get around them. And then finally at the last

00:12:37.440 --> 00:12:39.120
second, they decided, yes, they did want to turn.

00:12:39.220 --> 00:12:41.539
So they did need to get over. So anyway, so three

00:12:41.539 --> 00:12:45.710
times in a very short lunch drive. I experienced

00:12:45.710 --> 00:12:48.549
road rage. So I went back to the house, ate my

00:12:48.549 --> 00:12:50.809
food. And then later that afternoon, I had to

00:12:50.809 --> 00:12:52.590
go to Walmart for something. So during that 1

00:12:52.590 --> 00:12:56.169
.3 miles to get to Walmart, almost got sideswiped

00:12:56.169 --> 00:12:58.669
again. So I get to the Walmart parking lot. I'm

00:12:58.669 --> 00:13:00.070
like, you know what? Fuck this. I'm going to

00:13:00.070 --> 00:13:02.950
do a TikTok video about this bullshit. So I had

00:13:02.950 --> 00:13:04.809
this thing all planned out in my head. I started

00:13:04.809 --> 00:13:06.809
talking. I made a couple edits, blah, blah, blah,

00:13:06.809 --> 00:13:08.470
blah, blah, blah. And I watched it back. And

00:13:08.470 --> 00:13:10.330
I'm like, I hate it. I didn't like it at all.

00:13:10.409 --> 00:13:13.110
It was just too, I don't know. Just something

00:13:13.110 --> 00:13:14.470
wasn't resonating with me. I'm like, you know

00:13:14.470 --> 00:13:15.970
what? I'm going to think about this and do it

00:13:15.970 --> 00:13:18.470
later. I go inside the Walmart, do my shopping.

00:13:18.850 --> 00:13:21.990
And between the people that are stocking the

00:13:21.990 --> 00:13:24.750
aisles, the aisles, between the people that are

00:13:24.750 --> 00:13:26.950
stocking the aisles, Jesus Christ, I can't fucking

00:13:26.950 --> 00:13:30.809
talk today. And idiots just. are completely oblivious

00:13:30.809 --> 00:13:32.830
to their surroundings, have no situational awareness.

00:13:33.529 --> 00:13:36.450
If they see that they're blocking your way and

00:13:36.450 --> 00:13:38.649
they continue to move and they acknowledge your

00:13:38.649 --> 00:13:40.610
existence, but yet they continue to do what they're

00:13:40.610 --> 00:13:43.710
doing. I was getting road rage in Walmart. So

00:13:43.710 --> 00:13:47.970
I went to a quieter spot of the store and I pulled

00:13:47.970 --> 00:13:50.509
out my phone and it was just a, I didn't even

00:13:50.509 --> 00:13:52.549
think about it. What you see in that video is

00:13:52.549 --> 00:13:54.929
what you get. I just said, public service announcement.

00:13:55.450 --> 00:13:57.649
It is possible to get Red Rage inside of Walmart.

00:13:57.889 --> 00:14:00.470
Click. That was the whole video. I don't even

00:14:00.470 --> 00:14:02.529
know if I put a hashtag on it. It hit send. Folks,

00:14:02.730 --> 00:14:05.529
that thing is rapidly approaching 500 ,000 views.

00:14:05.769 --> 00:14:08.750
It's down to about 1 ,000 views an hour now.

00:14:09.149 --> 00:14:11.009
Yeah, it's finally starting to slow down a little

00:14:11.009 --> 00:14:14.330
bit. You guys are slacking. Just to also clarify,

00:14:14.549 --> 00:14:17.570
when you talk about the people that are shopping,

00:14:17.870 --> 00:14:20.529
not people like me. You're talking about the

00:14:20.529 --> 00:14:23.450
Walmart employees with the big blue crates. Yeah.

00:14:24.169 --> 00:14:26.029
They're a pain in the ass because they mosey

00:14:26.029 --> 00:14:27.990
through there. Yeah. Even though they should

00:14:27.990 --> 00:14:32.250
know the layout, they're like, hmm. Well, they're

00:14:32.250 --> 00:14:34.029
going to be there for eight hours anyway. Some

00:14:34.029 --> 00:14:36.830
of those stalkers? Well, actually, come to think

00:14:36.830 --> 00:14:38.919
of it. All of the people that were pushing those

00:14:38.919 --> 00:14:40.840
big -ass carts down the aisle and restocking

00:14:40.840 --> 00:14:42.860
the shelves, I think every single one of them

00:14:42.860 --> 00:14:45.159
had either AirPods in or earbuds and were listening

00:14:45.159 --> 00:14:47.360
to music. Completely fucking oblivious. Yeah,

00:14:47.419 --> 00:14:49.500
they always do. That way, I guess they complete

00:14:49.500 --> 00:14:52.200
ignorance that they didn't hear you or having

00:14:52.200 --> 00:14:54.440
no situational awareness. Some of the comments

00:14:54.440 --> 00:14:56.639
on that TikTok video, people were telling their

00:14:56.639 --> 00:14:58.919
own Walmart horror stories. I think that's what

00:14:58.919 --> 00:15:02.539
actually resonated because it is real, dude.

00:15:02.940 --> 00:15:07.840
As much road rage as I... experienced just in

00:15:07.840 --> 00:15:09.600
that short little amount of time that i was driving

00:15:09.600 --> 00:15:11.779
and got road rage while i was pushing a shopping

00:15:11.779 --> 00:15:14.120
cart yeah that was crazy i'm just gonna take

00:15:14.120 --> 00:15:15.919
a poll here i don't care where it is grocery

00:15:15.919 --> 00:15:17.759
store restaurant whatever okay if you're in a

00:15:17.759 --> 00:15:19.779
parking lot and you're looking for a spot most

00:15:19.779 --> 00:15:23.159
parking lots have lanes where there's an arrow

00:15:23.159 --> 00:15:25.480
arrow pointing this way you can park in this

00:15:25.480 --> 00:15:30.559
way they have the angled things yeah yes okay

00:15:30.559 --> 00:15:33.980
yes now If you're looking for a parking spot

00:15:33.980 --> 00:15:35.759
and you're going the right way with arrows telling

00:15:35.759 --> 00:15:39.460
you to go, but you have some idiot coming perpendicularly

00:15:39.460 --> 00:15:42.480
going across the lanes. Fuck that guy. Okay.

00:15:42.600 --> 00:15:44.299
I've seen people do it here all the time. And

00:15:44.299 --> 00:15:46.179
I don't know if it's a cultural thing because

00:15:46.179 --> 00:15:49.899
some people maybe just don't know that that is

00:15:49.899 --> 00:15:52.340
a accident hazard. Like if somebody's looking

00:15:52.340 --> 00:15:54.379
for a spot, but you're driving across the lanes

00:15:54.379 --> 00:15:56.700
and saying, fuck that, need to learn how to fucking

00:15:56.700 --> 00:16:00.259
park. You're fucking dumb. Your mom's ugly. I

00:16:00.259 --> 00:16:03.639
mean, all the things, right? You just don't do

00:16:03.639 --> 00:16:05.659
that. Like, who the fuck taught you how to do

00:16:05.659 --> 00:16:06.779
that? Yeah, no, it drives me up a fucking wall

00:16:06.779 --> 00:16:08.799
when people do that. Because I'm like, first

00:16:08.799 --> 00:16:11.799
of all, you can't see coming out of that. No,

00:16:11.840 --> 00:16:14.100
no, you cannot. And then you're pulling out.

00:16:14.460 --> 00:16:17.340
into potentially a direction you're not supposed

00:16:17.340 --> 00:16:19.740
to be driving anyways if it's a single direction

00:16:19.740 --> 00:16:23.799
only way and then yeah you you run the risk of

00:16:23.799 --> 00:16:25.860
if somebody's coming and right as you're pulling

00:16:25.860 --> 00:16:27.820
out and you can't see around that car that you

00:16:27.820 --> 00:16:30.539
just decided to go pat yeah that's that's a fucking

00:16:30.539 --> 00:16:32.379
t -bone waiting to happen yeah i almost got hit

00:16:32.379 --> 00:16:34.259
the other day because of some fucking idiot and

00:16:34.259 --> 00:16:35.659
i'll tell you what if i would have gotten hit

00:16:35.659 --> 00:16:38.159
i would have got out of my car And I would have

00:16:38.159 --> 00:16:41.159
caught an assault charge. The literal only time

00:16:41.159 --> 00:16:43.080
that I do that in a parking lot is if it's in

00:16:43.080 --> 00:16:45.679
the back. There are no other cars around. And

00:16:45.679 --> 00:16:47.659
it's a long fucking parking lot that I'm like,

00:16:47.700 --> 00:16:49.299
I'm not driving half a fucking mile to get to

00:16:49.299 --> 00:16:51.379
the end of this lane. But there's nobody there.

00:16:51.580 --> 00:16:54.019
Just keep this in mind. No, I'm not going to

00:16:54.019 --> 00:16:57.419
do that. When people get into cars and they get

00:16:57.419 --> 00:16:59.039
into a parking lot, their time is more important

00:16:59.039 --> 00:17:03.159
than yours. So you can fuck off, right? But remember

00:17:03.159 --> 00:17:05.720
this. When you want to stomp a mud hole in somebody's

00:17:05.720 --> 00:17:09.049
ass. Me personally, I do not have the financial

00:17:09.049 --> 00:17:12.470
wherewithal to lawyer up. Yeah, that's true.

00:17:12.609 --> 00:17:15.230
To fucking back shift this felony that's about

00:17:15.230 --> 00:17:16.970
to happen. Well, this is the season two finale,

00:17:17.170 --> 00:17:19.089
so what a way to end this with fucking more road

00:17:19.089 --> 00:17:21.990
raids. Learn how to fucking drive, morons. Fucking

00:17:21.990 --> 00:17:23.630
people. Come on. Help us out. We went from driving

00:17:23.630 --> 00:17:26.529
to people in parking lots. All of our what the

00:17:26.529 --> 00:17:29.029
fuckers out there. Thank you so much for listening

00:17:29.029 --> 00:17:32.309
to season one, season two. Season three will

00:17:32.309 --> 00:17:35.369
start here. By all means, feel free, in a safe

00:17:35.369 --> 00:17:37.789
and professional and friendly manner, help remind

00:17:37.789 --> 00:17:39.809
your fellow drivers to get the fuck out of the

00:17:39.809 --> 00:17:41.309
left lane. Please and thank you.