Maybe I Should Do Xanax More Often

WEBVTT

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So how old's your mom right here? 67. She's fucking

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hot, dude. I know. Mustaches make y 'all menfolk

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look old. Well, your mustache makes you look

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young, if that's any consolation. Go fuck yourself

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twice, okay? Well, you don't have a mustache.

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You have a goatee. That would just clamp the

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fucking day down, right? To my penis. The fuck

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it wasn't. Yeah. I got it right here, motherfucker.

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Motherfucker. Shut that fucking dog up. My Jolly

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Green Giant just woke up. Uh -oh. Jolly Green

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Giant. What a cutie pie. She just woke up. No

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mistaking who your mommy is. All right, get out.

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One rhymes with grandma -haw, and the other with

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you pukey. That's perfect, Sammy. What did you

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blow just now? Everything. I blew everything.

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I don't think you blew everything. Yeah, I blew

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every open port I could find. Whoa. Don, you're

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crystal clear like a mother f***er. I'm Jake

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Jacobs. This is Sammy. This is the Don. And you're

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listening to What the F***? Welcome to What the

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Fuck, the podcast where we say all the things

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you're thinking, but probably shouldn't. Well,

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here it is, July 7th. Good to go. Jake had an

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MRI this morning. Yeah, how'd that go, brother?

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Last week, I called my primary care doctor and

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said, hey, doc, last time I had an MRI, I had

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a small claustrophobic reaction. Wasn't bad,

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but it was bad enough to where the technician

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had to give me a little mass for my eyes and

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pretty much just talk me through it. So I remembered

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that. So this time, I reached out and I said,

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hey, can you hook me up? So he said, yeah, hey,

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I'm going to give you a one -time dose of Xanax.

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I guess that's a happy pill. Yeah, anti -anxiety.

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Yeah, and he said, I'll mail it to you. Now,

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this was done early last week, but I realized

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that the holiday was, what, Thursday, Friday,

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whatever the hell that was? Friday, yeah. Well,

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Saturday, the mail comes, and there is no Xanax.

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And I'm like, okay, this is going to be a problem.

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Oh, no. Because Monday morning is my MRI at 8

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o 'clock in the morning, and not even the main

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pharmacy is open. until 8 at the VA hospital.

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So I went to the inpatient pharmacy. They said,

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yeah, we'll go ahead and give it to you. Thank

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God. We were having discussions last week, like

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this might be a good day to record while I'm

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on Xanax because I may give less fucks than I

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normally do. But really all it did was it just

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chilled me out a little bit, and I think I actually

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fell asleep during the fucking MRI. I was thinking

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that they were probably going to have to tell

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me to stop snoring because it was too loud for

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the MRI. I did okay. So on the way back, I followed

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Don's suggestion, because Don said a couple episodes

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early on that Wendy's breakfast is the motherfucking

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Baconator. So yeah, that's my what the fuck.

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Nice. I can't speak too much for their coffee.

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Navy coffee is better. Yeah. So how was everybody's

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Friday? I mean, you know, we recorded Friday.

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We did. But after we got done, what did you guys

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do? Did you go fucking hang out and party and

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fucking get it done or what? I worked. How was

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your weekend? I made money. Did you? And then

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I went and hung out at my daughter's best friend's

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family's house for a little bit. Nice. And did

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little rinky dinky fireworks. Nice. Yeah. We

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had a large firework show somewhere pretty close

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to us in Florida. And apparently this was supposed

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to be. a big firework show. As it turns out,

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it was a big firework show, but not in the way

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that it was planned. Lightning struck the setup

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and it just, everything just exploded. It blew

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everything up. Damn. Yeah, kind of wild, man.

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Damn. I know. Beginning, middle, and end all

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in one shot. So, and here in Florida, so I know

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you folks that don't live in Florida, you've

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heard about Florida man and Florida shit and

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it's all true. So, on every fucking corner, we

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have a firework stand. I think the only regulation

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is you buy the fireworks and you stop launching

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them somewhere around 10 o 'clock at night. The

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fireworks started pretty early. You know, we

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got a lot of veterans around here. Of course,

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you know, they, they jump on the PTSD wagon.

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I got PTSD too, but I just don't see where it

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doesn't bother me at all. and my dogs don't get

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bothered by it. I understand those folks are

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out there, and I'm not trying to shit -talk you,

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but buy you some earplugs or something, man.

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I read on social media all this. I wish everybody

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would stop with the fireworks. I'm like, dude,

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it's Fourth of July, man. It's never going to

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stop. It's not going to stop. It's not going

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to stop this year. It didn't stop this year.

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It was here last year, and it'll be here next

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year. So prepare yourself for that. Drug your

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dogs up. Put some headphones on. Right. Give

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them that real good, what is it? I saw all these

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things. It's like after mom gives you the cheese,

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the special cheese on 4th of July. Fuck yeah.

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Give them the little gabapentin wrapped in some

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cheese. Call it a day. Listen, we had a good

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time. My cats didn't give a shit. It sounded

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like fucking Beirut. It was on like Donkey Kong.

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Yeah, it was crazy around here. I mean, luckily

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my cats are not scared of fireworks, so they're

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good. And the house we went to, they have two

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dogs and they were chill the whole time. So like,

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it's not everybody's, but I mean. Our dogs laid

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in our lap, Sammy, and we watched motherfucking

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Landman. We started that shit over from the beginning

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and started watching Landman. It is. Fucking

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spectacular. My only observation is this, and

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I agree with everything that both of you just

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said, but I don't get the two weeks before. So

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I guess they buy all the pre -fireworks and they

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have to fire those off two weeks before. And

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then the actual July 4th is their show that they

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put on, you know, because everyone puts on their

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own show. So we don't have that around here.

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People don't shoot them off. Because last night,

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a Sunday night, most people go to work Monday

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mornings, okay, for the folks that work. So Sunday

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night, it was relatively quiet up until... 10

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minutes until 10 p .m. Now, 10 p .m. is where

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they're not supposed to shoot them off at after

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10 p .m. So 10 minutes till 10 p .m., they started

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doing the loud boomer ones, the mortar ones.

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Boom! At which time I promptly opened up my bathroom

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window and yelled out, knock it off, you fucking

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asshole fucking losers, at the top of my lungs.

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And you know what? I never heard it anymore.

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Sometimes that works. They know what the law

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is. I'm just saying. Really? Around here, they

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don't start shooting them off like days ahead

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of time. They do them obviously 4th of July.

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There were a couple going off Saturday night

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as well, but I haven't heard anything since then.

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It's been pretty quiet. I think I heard some

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last night, just a little bit. Some kids probably

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said, oh, we got a little bit left over. Like,

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oh, look, mom, dad forgot about this one in the

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back of the closet. I'm trying to get Jake to

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produce more videos because I think videos king.

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But if you look at Sammy, you're going to guess,

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oh, she's a cute little 16 year old. She just

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has no wrinkles, no fucking at all. God, I wish.

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And then she's hanging out with a couple of fucking

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old guys. And Jake and I know we don't give a

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shit. I assure you. No. And I don't think we

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look that old for our age. I think we're both

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like 59 this year or something. And we have a

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tendency to sexually harass her. But, you know,

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she's okay with it. The good thing is I'm the

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closest thing to fucking HR that we have. Which

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ain't saying much. Hell no, it's not saying much.

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I am a fucking HR nightmare. Ask both my last

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companies that I was in. I'm a walking HR fuck

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up. And guess what else I don't care about? That.

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Yeah, but on the fourth whole episode, anything

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that Sammy wanted to do HR wise was out the window

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because she started talking about monster smut

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and then it was fucking game on. Split penis

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monster smut, folks. If you haven't listened

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to the fourth whole episode, you ain't living

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right. Just go do it. It's our raunchiest episode

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today. It is gnarly. They start, they're talking

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about things that men, we just, we had to close.

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Even at one point, Sammy said, we need to put

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a special content warning on this fucking episode.

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And she's not wrong. That was a funny episode,

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though, y 'all. I mean, listen, folks, here's

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the thing. You've heard us say it a hundred times.

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We do this shit for us as partially therapy.

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And it really does work, believe it or not. We

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look forward to this. talk more than just this

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show the two hours a week we've actually recorded

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twice this week well once on friday once today

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and then we chat we text each other we do all

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this stuff we truly are friends we love each

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other but i mean we like to fuck with each other

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and we come up with good shit that's just how

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that shit is we do it for us so anything we say

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that offends you we do not apologize we don't

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give a fuck we love you though and thanks for

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listening and i give less of a fuck today because

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i'm gonna fucking xanax right now so go fuck

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that motherfucking joke is joked up like y 'all

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if y 'all looked at it you're like It didn't

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look any different. This motherfucker was macking

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it on a Wendy's Baconator. Oh, that motherfucker

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was good. Breakfast sandwich, which is the shit.

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I may not even edit that out when you hear me

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chewing. Nom, nom, nom, nom. Just nom in the

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fuck out. Like it's a leg on a hog. So I had

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a what the fuck, but this is kind of a different

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one. I don't think we've done this kind of what

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the fuck up until this point. So this is one

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of those, yeah, what the fuck? I think I'll do

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it. A couple episodes ago, I think I talked about

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I was an extra on the TV show Nashville. Ah,

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yes. 2012, I believe. Well, the company that

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I went through to get that gig, I get emails

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from them all the time. I got one today. And

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next Monday, they're doing filming. I'm assuming

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it's going to be in the Nissan Stadium parking

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lot because it's for FanDuel, which is the sports

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betting. So I'm going to assume that it's Titans

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related. Maybe, I don't know. But they're looking

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for people between the ages of 25 and 55. Now,

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granted, I'm going to be 59, but they don't really

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ask for your age. They just want a face shot

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and they want a full body shot. And I think I

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could pass for 55. What do you guys think? 55?

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Doable? No fucking way, buddy. Donald! No, Jake,

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of course you could, yes. Now check this out.

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Here's the cool part. It's $300 for the shoot.

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Hell yeah. They say in there that it could be

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a 12 -hour day, which is what the Nashville gig

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was. It was a 12 -hour day. But I only got like

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$100 for that shit back then. $300 for 12 hours

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is not bad. And if they pick me... Next Monday,

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I'm going to be doing a video shoot for FanDuel

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and make fucking $300. So my initial thought

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was, what the fuck? Why not? Why not? $300 is

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$300. Plus, I'm going to imagine, I hope, because

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the first time I did, they had a catering thing.

00:10:05.899 --> 00:10:08.639
Well, this is tailgating. Tailgating, yeah. So

00:10:08.639 --> 00:10:11.340
there may be tailgating food, which I'm all about,

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like burgers, dogs, sausages. Fuck yeah, motherfucker.

00:10:14.019 --> 00:10:15.840
Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. So there's a different kind

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of what the fuck I don't think we've had on the

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show yet. What the fuck? Why not? So 12 hours,

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300, what is that? That's $25 an hour, brother.

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Yeah, hey. Yeah, that's not bad. I mean, that's

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for doing something fun, you know? Yeah, and

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you might get to see my mug on TV commercials

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for FanDuel. Hell yeah. We'd be watching football,

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and I'd be like, hey! That's Jake. I know that

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motherfucker. I know that bitch. That's right.

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But you've got to throw the hair back, like you're

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going on stage carrying your guitar. Yeah, or

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I might just let it down so I can look like a

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fucking rock star. Which I am anyway, but you

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know. Like a Pantene Pro -V commercial, just.

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Do the Paul Stanley hair. Hopefully I don't get

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hit by a duck. All right, Fabio. Y 'all know

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I watch YouTube a lot. I saw a short of this

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lady and some family members on a beach somewhere.

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I think it was Florida, maybe California. I don't

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know. One of the states. It's insane, really.

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No, she was a car. And when I say car, it was

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a four -door sedan. And it was one of those beaches

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where you're allowed to drive onto the sand.

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I remember in Texas, we could do that as well.

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Well, the caption on this short said basically

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that she ignored the signs, don't go past this

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point in a car. Well, she ignored that sign.

00:11:32.460 --> 00:11:35.059
And she was down into the fucking wet sand where

00:11:35.059 --> 00:11:37.279
the water was coming up. And then she was trying

00:11:37.279 --> 00:11:39.000
to back up. And then the more she was trying

00:11:39.000 --> 00:11:42.240
to put it in reverse. The more she dug in. The

00:11:42.240 --> 00:11:44.279
car was getting bogged down into the wet sand.

00:11:44.440 --> 00:11:46.480
Until finally her passengers in the back seat

00:11:46.480 --> 00:11:48.639
were like, fuck this, we're out of here. And

00:11:48.639 --> 00:11:51.500
the funny thing about it is she rolled down her

00:11:51.500 --> 00:11:53.259
window and people were yelling at her, get out

00:11:53.259 --> 00:11:55.460
of your car. And when she rolled down the window,

00:11:55.639 --> 00:11:58.639
guess what kind of hairstyle she had? A Karen.

00:11:58.659 --> 00:12:01.659
She had a Karen do. Of course she did. She had

00:12:01.659 --> 00:12:04.120
the Bob dude, the Karen dude. The entitled haircut.

00:12:04.340 --> 00:12:05.919
She was probably yelling for the beach manager

00:12:05.919 --> 00:12:09.220
at that point. Was it frosted? Oh, it was blonde,

00:12:09.379 --> 00:12:15.559
yes. Oh, yes. Yeah. That's the best. Yeah. Mm

00:12:15.559 --> 00:12:18.220
-mm. I guess it takes a certain personality.

00:12:18.419 --> 00:12:20.460
That's going to be an expensive tow. Yeah. It

00:12:20.460 --> 00:12:22.139
is what it is, I guess. People just don't listen.

00:12:22.240 --> 00:12:24.639
They're hard -headed. No. Karen. Nobody likes

00:12:24.639 --> 00:12:26.879
to listen to anybody about anything. This is

00:12:26.879 --> 00:12:28.840
a what -the -fuck episode that we didn't prepare

00:12:28.840 --> 00:12:31.299
for. Normally, Sunday nights is when we all email

00:12:31.299 --> 00:12:33.500
our ideas to each other. Yeah, we... But I think

00:12:33.500 --> 00:12:35.240
the general consensus was we were just going

00:12:35.240 --> 00:12:37.740
to wing it because they wanted to see how animated

00:12:37.740 --> 00:12:41.120
or unanimated Jake was going to be today. You've

00:12:41.120 --> 00:12:42.940
been pretty fucking animated, big dog. Which

00:12:42.940 --> 00:12:46.190
I like. Really? Okay. Yeah. Maybe I need to do

00:12:46.190 --> 00:12:46.929
Xanax more often.