July 9, 2025
Maybe I Should Do Xanax More Often

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Jake hits the record button fresh off a VA hospital visit, still floating on the afterglow of a Xanax-fueled MRI—and somehow still manages to inhale a Baconator mid-show. The crew kicks things off with some 4th of July chaos, throws around ideas for doing more short videos, and roasts each other with zero mercy (as usual). Jake might become an extra in a FanDuel commercial, which of course leads to us completely derailing. And we wrap things up with a story about a woman who drove her car too deep onto the beach, got stuck, and—yes—had the most Karen haircut imaginable. It’s a mess, it’s a Xanax vibe, and it’s What the Fuck?
WEBVTT
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So how old's your mom right here? 67. She's fucking
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hot, dude. I know. Mustaches make y 'all menfolk
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look old. Well, your mustache makes you look
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young, if that's any consolation. Go fuck yourself
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twice, okay? Well, you don't have a mustache.
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You have a goatee. That would just clamp the
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fucking day down, right? To my penis. The fuck
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it wasn't. Yeah. I got it right here, motherfucker.
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Motherfucker. Shut that fucking dog up. My Jolly
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Green Giant just woke up. Uh -oh. Jolly Green
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Giant. What a cutie pie. She just woke up. No
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mistaking who your mommy is. All right, get out.
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One rhymes with grandma -haw, and the other with
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you pukey. That's perfect, Sammy. What did you
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blow just now? Everything. I blew everything.
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I don't think you blew everything. Yeah, I blew
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every open port I could find. Whoa. Don, you're
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crystal clear like a mother f***er. I'm Jake
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Jacobs. This is Sammy. This is the Don. And you're
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listening to What the F***? Welcome to What the
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Fuck, the podcast where we say all the things
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you're thinking, but probably shouldn't. Well,
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here it is, July 7th. Good to go. Jake had an
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MRI this morning. Yeah, how'd that go, brother?
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Last week, I called my primary care doctor and
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said, hey, doc, last time I had an MRI, I had
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a small claustrophobic reaction. Wasn't bad,
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but it was bad enough to where the technician
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had to give me a little mass for my eyes and
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pretty much just talk me through it. So I remembered
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that. So this time, I reached out and I said,
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hey, can you hook me up? So he said, yeah, hey,
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I'm going to give you a one -time dose of Xanax.
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I guess that's a happy pill. Yeah, anti -anxiety.
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Yeah, and he said, I'll mail it to you. Now,
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this was done early last week, but I realized
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that the holiday was, what, Thursday, Friday,
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whatever the hell that was? Friday, yeah. Well,
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Saturday, the mail comes, and there is no Xanax.
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And I'm like, okay, this is going to be a problem.
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Oh, no. Because Monday morning is my MRI at 8
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o 'clock in the morning, and not even the main
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pharmacy is open. until 8 at the VA hospital.
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So I went to the inpatient pharmacy. They said,
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yeah, we'll go ahead and give it to you. Thank
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God. We were having discussions last week, like
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this might be a good day to record while I'm
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on Xanax because I may give less fucks than I
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normally do. But really all it did was it just
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chilled me out a little bit, and I think I actually
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fell asleep during the fucking MRI. I was thinking
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that they were probably going to have to tell
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me to stop snoring because it was too loud for
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the MRI. I did okay. So on the way back, I followed
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Don's suggestion, because Don said a couple episodes
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early on that Wendy's breakfast is the motherfucking
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Baconator. So yeah, that's my what the fuck.
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Nice. I can't speak too much for their coffee.
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Navy coffee is better. Yeah. So how was everybody's
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Friday? I mean, you know, we recorded Friday.
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We did. But after we got done, what did you guys
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do? Did you go fucking hang out and party and
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fucking get it done or what? I worked. How was
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your weekend? I made money. Did you? And then
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I went and hung out at my daughter's best friend's
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family's house for a little bit. Nice. And did
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little rinky dinky fireworks. Nice. Yeah. We
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had a large firework show somewhere pretty close
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to us in Florida. And apparently this was supposed
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to be. a big firework show. As it turns out,
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it was a big firework show, but not in the way
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that it was planned. Lightning struck the setup
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and it just, everything just exploded. It blew
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everything up. Damn. Yeah, kind of wild, man.
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Damn. I know. Beginning, middle, and end all
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in one shot. So, and here in Florida, so I know
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you folks that don't live in Florida, you've
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heard about Florida man and Florida shit and
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it's all true. So, on every fucking corner, we
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have a firework stand. I think the only regulation
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is you buy the fireworks and you stop launching
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them somewhere around 10 o 'clock at night. The
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fireworks started pretty early. You know, we
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got a lot of veterans around here. Of course,
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you know, they, they jump on the PTSD wagon.
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I got PTSD too, but I just don't see where it
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doesn't bother me at all. and my dogs don't get
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bothered by it. I understand those folks are
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out there, and I'm not trying to shit -talk you,
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but buy you some earplugs or something, man.
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I read on social media all this. I wish everybody
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would stop with the fireworks. I'm like, dude,
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it's Fourth of July, man. It's never going to
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stop. It's not going to stop. It's not going
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to stop this year. It didn't stop this year.
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It was here last year, and it'll be here next
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year. So prepare yourself for that. Drug your
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dogs up. Put some headphones on. Right. Give
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them that real good, what is it? I saw all these
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things. It's like after mom gives you the cheese,
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the special cheese on 4th of July. Fuck yeah.
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Give them the little gabapentin wrapped in some
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cheese. Call it a day. Listen, we had a good
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time. My cats didn't give a shit. It sounded
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like fucking Beirut. It was on like Donkey Kong.
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Yeah, it was crazy around here. I mean, luckily
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my cats are not scared of fireworks, so they're
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good. And the house we went to, they have two
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dogs and they were chill the whole time. So like,
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it's not everybody's, but I mean. Our dogs laid
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in our lap, Sammy, and we watched motherfucking
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Landman. We started that shit over from the beginning
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and started watching Landman. It is. Fucking
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spectacular. My only observation is this, and
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I agree with everything that both of you just
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said, but I don't get the two weeks before. So
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I guess they buy all the pre -fireworks and they
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have to fire those off two weeks before. And
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then the actual July 4th is their show that they
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put on, you know, because everyone puts on their
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own show. So we don't have that around here.
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People don't shoot them off. Because last night,
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a Sunday night, most people go to work Monday
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mornings, okay, for the folks that work. So Sunday
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night, it was relatively quiet up until... 10
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minutes until 10 p .m. Now, 10 p .m. is where
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they're not supposed to shoot them off at after
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10 p .m. So 10 minutes till 10 p .m., they started
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doing the loud boomer ones, the mortar ones.
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Boom! At which time I promptly opened up my bathroom
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window and yelled out, knock it off, you fucking
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asshole fucking losers, at the top of my lungs.
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And you know what? I never heard it anymore.
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Sometimes that works. They know what the law
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is. I'm just saying. Really? Around here, they
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don't start shooting them off like days ahead
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of time. They do them obviously 4th of July.
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There were a couple going off Saturday night
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as well, but I haven't heard anything since then.
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It's been pretty quiet. I think I heard some
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last night, just a little bit. Some kids probably
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said, oh, we got a little bit left over. Like,
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oh, look, mom, dad forgot about this one in the
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back of the closet. I'm trying to get Jake to
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produce more videos because I think videos king.
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But if you look at Sammy, you're going to guess,
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oh, she's a cute little 16 year old. She just
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has no wrinkles, no fucking at all. God, I wish.
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And then she's hanging out with a couple of fucking
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old guys. And Jake and I know we don't give a
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shit. I assure you. No. And I don't think we
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look that old for our age. I think we're both
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like 59 this year or something. And we have a
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tendency to sexually harass her. But, you know,
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she's okay with it. The good thing is I'm the
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closest thing to fucking HR that we have. Which
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ain't saying much. Hell no, it's not saying much.
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I am a fucking HR nightmare. Ask both my last
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companies that I was in. I'm a walking HR fuck
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up. And guess what else I don't care about? That.
00:07:03.030 --> 00:07:05.170
Yeah, but on the fourth whole episode, anything
00:07:05.170 --> 00:07:07.829
that Sammy wanted to do HR wise was out the window
00:07:07.829 --> 00:07:09.910
because she started talking about monster smut
00:07:09.910 --> 00:07:12.750
and then it was fucking game on. Split penis
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monster smut, folks. If you haven't listened
00:07:14.970 --> 00:07:17.329
to the fourth whole episode, you ain't living
00:07:17.329 --> 00:07:19.550
right. Just go do it. It's our raunchiest episode
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today. It is gnarly. They start, they're talking
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about things that men, we just, we had to close.
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Even at one point, Sammy said, we need to put
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a special content warning on this fucking episode.
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And she's not wrong. That was a funny episode,
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though, y 'all. I mean, listen, folks, here's
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the thing. You've heard us say it a hundred times.
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We do this shit for us as partially therapy.
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And it really does work, believe it or not. We
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look forward to this. talk more than just this
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show the two hours a week we've actually recorded
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twice this week well once on friday once today
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and then we chat we text each other we do all
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this stuff we truly are friends we love each
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other but i mean we like to fuck with each other
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and we come up with good shit that's just how
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that shit is we do it for us so anything we say
00:08:01.480 --> 00:08:03.759
that offends you we do not apologize we don't
00:08:03.759 --> 00:08:05.759
give a fuck we love you though and thanks for
00:08:05.759 --> 00:08:07.579
listening and i give less of a fuck today because
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i'm gonna fucking xanax right now so go fuck
00:08:09.480 --> 00:08:12.560
that motherfucking joke is joked up like y 'all
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if y 'all looked at it you're like It didn't
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look any different. This motherfucker was macking
00:08:16.629 --> 00:08:19.350
it on a Wendy's Baconator. Oh, that motherfucker
00:08:19.350 --> 00:08:22.089
was good. Breakfast sandwich, which is the shit.
00:08:22.550 --> 00:08:24.569
I may not even edit that out when you hear me
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chewing. Nom, nom, nom, nom. Just nom in the
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fuck out. Like it's a leg on a hog. So I had
00:08:32.649 --> 00:08:34.870
a what the fuck, but this is kind of a different
00:08:34.870 --> 00:08:36.710
one. I don't think we've done this kind of what
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the fuck up until this point. So this is one
00:08:39.529 --> 00:08:42.769
of those, yeah, what the fuck? I think I'll do
00:08:42.769 --> 00:08:45.570
it. A couple episodes ago, I think I talked about
00:08:45.570 --> 00:08:48.610
I was an extra on the TV show Nashville. Ah,
00:08:48.610 --> 00:08:52.129
yes. 2012, I believe. Well, the company that
00:08:52.129 --> 00:08:55.389
I went through to get that gig, I get emails
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from them all the time. I got one today. And
00:08:58.610 --> 00:09:02.190
next Monday, they're doing filming. I'm assuming
00:09:02.190 --> 00:09:04.730
it's going to be in the Nissan Stadium parking
00:09:04.730 --> 00:09:08.230
lot because it's for FanDuel, which is the sports
00:09:08.230 --> 00:09:10.730
betting. So I'm going to assume that it's Titans
00:09:10.730 --> 00:09:13.269
related. Maybe, I don't know. But they're looking
00:09:13.269 --> 00:09:16.830
for people between the ages of 25 and 55. Now,
00:09:16.889 --> 00:09:19.789
granted, I'm going to be 59, but they don't really
00:09:19.789 --> 00:09:22.289
ask for your age. They just want a face shot
00:09:22.289 --> 00:09:24.190
and they want a full body shot. And I think I
00:09:24.190 --> 00:09:26.169
could pass for 55. What do you guys think? 55?
00:09:26.350 --> 00:09:33.730
Doable? No fucking way, buddy. Donald! No, Jake,
00:09:33.870 --> 00:09:36.269
of course you could, yes. Now check this out.
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Here's the cool part. It's $300 for the shoot.
00:09:38.970 --> 00:09:41.649
Hell yeah. They say in there that it could be
00:09:41.649 --> 00:09:44.070
a 12 -hour day, which is what the Nashville gig
00:09:44.070 --> 00:09:46.049
was. It was a 12 -hour day. But I only got like
00:09:46.049 --> 00:09:49.149
$100 for that shit back then. $300 for 12 hours
00:09:49.149 --> 00:09:52.899
is not bad. And if they pick me... Next Monday,
00:09:52.980 --> 00:09:55.200
I'm going to be doing a video shoot for FanDuel
00:09:55.200 --> 00:09:58.019
and make fucking $300. So my initial thought
00:09:58.019 --> 00:10:00.659
was, what the fuck? Why not? Why not? $300 is
00:10:00.659 --> 00:10:03.659
$300. Plus, I'm going to imagine, I hope, because
00:10:03.659 --> 00:10:05.480
the first time I did, they had a catering thing.
00:10:05.899 --> 00:10:08.639
Well, this is tailgating. Tailgating, yeah. So
00:10:08.639 --> 00:10:11.340
there may be tailgating food, which I'm all about,
00:10:11.379 --> 00:10:13.700
like burgers, dogs, sausages. Fuck yeah, motherfucker.
00:10:14.019 --> 00:10:15.840
Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. So there's a different kind
00:10:15.840 --> 00:10:17.220
of what the fuck I don't think we've had on the
00:10:17.220 --> 00:10:19.679
show yet. What the fuck? Why not? So 12 hours,
00:10:19.799 --> 00:10:22.120
300, what is that? That's $25 an hour, brother.
00:10:22.279 --> 00:10:23.960
Yeah, hey. Yeah, that's not bad. I mean, that's
00:10:23.960 --> 00:10:26.720
for doing something fun, you know? Yeah, and
00:10:26.720 --> 00:10:29.679
you might get to see my mug on TV commercials
00:10:29.679 --> 00:10:32.080
for FanDuel. Hell yeah. We'd be watching football,
00:10:32.220 --> 00:10:34.440
and I'd be like, hey! That's Jake. I know that
00:10:34.440 --> 00:10:36.559
motherfucker. I know that bitch. That's right.
00:10:36.659 --> 00:10:38.860
But you've got to throw the hair back, like you're
00:10:38.860 --> 00:10:41.139
going on stage carrying your guitar. Yeah, or
00:10:41.139 --> 00:10:43.080
I might just let it down so I can look like a
00:10:43.080 --> 00:10:45.169
fucking rock star. Which I am anyway, but you
00:10:45.169 --> 00:10:47.149
know. Like a Pantene Pro -V commercial, just.
00:10:49.570 --> 00:10:51.529
Do the Paul Stanley hair. Hopefully I don't get
00:10:51.529 --> 00:10:56.490
hit by a duck. All right, Fabio. Y 'all know
00:10:56.490 --> 00:11:01.350
I watch YouTube a lot. I saw a short of this
00:11:01.350 --> 00:11:04.230
lady and some family members on a beach somewhere.
00:11:04.509 --> 00:11:09.649
I think it was Florida, maybe California. I don't
00:11:09.649 --> 00:11:12.409
know. One of the states. It's insane, really.
00:11:13.419 --> 00:11:16.340
No, she was a car. And when I say car, it was
00:11:16.340 --> 00:11:19.320
a four -door sedan. And it was one of those beaches
00:11:19.320 --> 00:11:21.120
where you're allowed to drive onto the sand.
00:11:21.240 --> 00:11:23.799
I remember in Texas, we could do that as well.
00:11:24.320 --> 00:11:27.299
Well, the caption on this short said basically
00:11:27.299 --> 00:11:29.940
that she ignored the signs, don't go past this
00:11:29.940 --> 00:11:32.320
point in a car. Well, she ignored that sign.
00:11:32.460 --> 00:11:35.059
And she was down into the fucking wet sand where
00:11:35.059 --> 00:11:37.279
the water was coming up. And then she was trying
00:11:37.279 --> 00:11:39.000
to back up. And then the more she was trying
00:11:39.000 --> 00:11:42.240
to put it in reverse. The more she dug in. The
00:11:42.240 --> 00:11:44.279
car was getting bogged down into the wet sand.
00:11:44.440 --> 00:11:46.480
Until finally her passengers in the back seat
00:11:46.480 --> 00:11:48.639
were like, fuck this, we're out of here. And
00:11:48.639 --> 00:11:51.500
the funny thing about it is she rolled down her
00:11:51.500 --> 00:11:53.259
window and people were yelling at her, get out
00:11:53.259 --> 00:11:55.460
of your car. And when she rolled down the window,
00:11:55.639 --> 00:11:58.639
guess what kind of hairstyle she had? A Karen.
00:11:58.659 --> 00:12:01.659
She had a Karen do. Of course she did. She had
00:12:01.659 --> 00:12:04.120
the Bob dude, the Karen dude. The entitled haircut.
00:12:04.340 --> 00:12:05.919
She was probably yelling for the beach manager
00:12:05.919 --> 00:12:09.220
at that point. Was it frosted? Oh, it was blonde,
00:12:09.379 --> 00:12:15.559
yes. Oh, yes. Yeah. That's the best. Yeah. Mm
00:12:15.559 --> 00:12:18.220
-mm. I guess it takes a certain personality.
00:12:18.419 --> 00:12:20.460
That's going to be an expensive tow. Yeah. It
00:12:20.460 --> 00:12:22.139
is what it is, I guess. People just don't listen.
00:12:22.240 --> 00:12:24.639
They're hard -headed. No. Karen. Nobody likes
00:12:24.639 --> 00:12:26.879
to listen to anybody about anything. This is
00:12:26.879 --> 00:12:28.840
a what -the -fuck episode that we didn't prepare
00:12:28.840 --> 00:12:31.299
for. Normally, Sunday nights is when we all email
00:12:31.299 --> 00:12:33.500
our ideas to each other. Yeah, we... But I think
00:12:33.500 --> 00:12:35.240
the general consensus was we were just going
00:12:35.240 --> 00:12:37.740
to wing it because they wanted to see how animated
00:12:37.740 --> 00:12:41.120
or unanimated Jake was going to be today. You've
00:12:41.120 --> 00:12:42.940
been pretty fucking animated, big dog. Which
00:12:42.940 --> 00:12:46.190
I like. Really? Okay. Yeah. Maybe I need to do
00:12:46.190 --> 00:12:46.929
Xanax more often.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.100
So how old's your mom right here? 67. She's fucking
00:00:03.100 --> 00:00:07.320
hot, dude. I know. Mustaches make y 'all menfolk
00:00:07.320 --> 00:00:09.560
look old. Well, your mustache makes you look
00:00:09.560 --> 00:00:12.179
young, if that's any consolation. Go fuck yourself
00:00:12.179 --> 00:00:14.640
twice, okay? Well, you don't have a mustache.
00:00:14.640 --> 00:00:17.859
You have a goatee. That would just clamp the
00:00:17.859 --> 00:00:20.219
fucking day down, right? To my penis. The fuck
00:00:20.219 --> 00:00:23.879
it wasn't. Yeah. I got it right here, motherfucker.
00:00:24.359 --> 00:00:31.359
Motherfucker. Shut that fucking dog up. My Jolly
00:00:31.359 --> 00:00:33.859
Green Giant just woke up. Uh -oh. Jolly Green
00:00:33.859 --> 00:00:36.280
Giant. What a cutie pie. She just woke up. No
00:00:36.280 --> 00:00:38.340
mistaking who your mommy is. All right, get out.
00:00:38.899 --> 00:00:42.020
One rhymes with grandma -haw, and the other with
00:00:42.020 --> 00:00:47.100
you pukey. That's perfect, Sammy. What did you
00:00:47.100 --> 00:00:49.479
blow just now? Everything. I blew everything.
00:00:50.020 --> 00:00:52.079
I don't think you blew everything. Yeah, I blew
00:00:52.079 --> 00:00:55.100
every open port I could find. Whoa. Don, you're
00:00:55.100 --> 00:00:56.679
crystal clear like a mother f***er. I'm Jake
00:00:56.679 --> 00:00:59.500
Jacobs. This is Sammy. This is the Don. And you're
00:00:59.500 --> 00:01:10.060
listening to What the F***? Welcome to What the
00:01:10.060 --> 00:01:12.480
Fuck, the podcast where we say all the things
00:01:12.480 --> 00:01:14.920
you're thinking, but probably shouldn't. Well,
00:01:15.000 --> 00:01:18.000
here it is, July 7th. Good to go. Jake had an
00:01:18.000 --> 00:01:20.420
MRI this morning. Yeah, how'd that go, brother?
00:01:20.540 --> 00:01:23.400
Last week, I called my primary care doctor and
00:01:23.400 --> 00:01:25.659
said, hey, doc, last time I had an MRI, I had
00:01:25.659 --> 00:01:28.579
a small claustrophobic reaction. Wasn't bad,
00:01:28.680 --> 00:01:30.400
but it was bad enough to where the technician
00:01:30.400 --> 00:01:32.159
had to give me a little mass for my eyes and
00:01:32.159 --> 00:01:34.359
pretty much just talk me through it. So I remembered
00:01:34.359 --> 00:01:36.700
that. So this time, I reached out and I said,
00:01:36.780 --> 00:01:38.859
hey, can you hook me up? So he said, yeah, hey,
00:01:38.900 --> 00:01:41.859
I'm going to give you a one -time dose of Xanax.
00:01:42.140 --> 00:01:45.459
I guess that's a happy pill. Yeah, anti -anxiety.
00:01:45.480 --> 00:01:47.459
Yeah, and he said, I'll mail it to you. Now,
00:01:47.560 --> 00:01:50.620
this was done early last week, but I realized
00:01:50.620 --> 00:01:52.939
that the holiday was, what, Thursday, Friday,
00:01:53.079 --> 00:01:55.099
whatever the hell that was? Friday, yeah. Well,
00:01:55.219 --> 00:01:58.219
Saturday, the mail comes, and there is no Xanax.
00:01:58.239 --> 00:01:59.920
And I'm like, okay, this is going to be a problem.
00:02:00.079 --> 00:02:04.000
Oh, no. Because Monday morning is my MRI at 8
00:02:04.000 --> 00:02:05.840
o 'clock in the morning, and not even the main
00:02:05.840 --> 00:02:08.919
pharmacy is open. until 8 at the VA hospital.
00:02:09.120 --> 00:02:11.719
So I went to the inpatient pharmacy. They said,
00:02:11.780 --> 00:02:13.020
yeah, we'll go ahead and give it to you. Thank
00:02:13.020 --> 00:02:15.139
God. We were having discussions last week, like
00:02:15.139 --> 00:02:16.900
this might be a good day to record while I'm
00:02:16.900 --> 00:02:19.360
on Xanax because I may give less fucks than I
00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:21.680
normally do. But really all it did was it just
00:02:21.680 --> 00:02:23.599
chilled me out a little bit, and I think I actually
00:02:23.599 --> 00:02:25.860
fell asleep during the fucking MRI. I was thinking
00:02:25.860 --> 00:02:27.099
that they were probably going to have to tell
00:02:27.099 --> 00:02:28.840
me to stop snoring because it was too loud for
00:02:28.840 --> 00:02:32.629
the MRI. I did okay. So on the way back, I followed
00:02:32.629 --> 00:02:35.389
Don's suggestion, because Don said a couple episodes
00:02:35.389 --> 00:02:38.189
early on that Wendy's breakfast is the motherfucking
00:02:38.189 --> 00:02:40.169
Baconator. So yeah, that's my what the fuck.
00:02:40.669 --> 00:02:43.150
Nice. I can't speak too much for their coffee.
00:02:43.330 --> 00:02:46.360
Navy coffee is better. Yeah. So how was everybody's
00:02:46.360 --> 00:02:48.419
Friday? I mean, you know, we recorded Friday.
00:02:48.819 --> 00:02:51.520
We did. But after we got done, what did you guys
00:02:51.520 --> 00:02:53.259
do? Did you go fucking hang out and party and
00:02:53.259 --> 00:02:55.379
fucking get it done or what? I worked. How was
00:02:55.379 --> 00:02:57.680
your weekend? I made money. Did you? And then
00:02:57.680 --> 00:03:00.939
I went and hung out at my daughter's best friend's
00:03:00.939 --> 00:03:03.099
family's house for a little bit. Nice. And did
00:03:03.099 --> 00:03:07.060
little rinky dinky fireworks. Nice. Yeah. We
00:03:07.060 --> 00:03:10.479
had a large firework show somewhere pretty close
00:03:10.479 --> 00:03:13.460
to us in Florida. And apparently this was supposed
00:03:13.460 --> 00:03:15.500
to be. a big firework show. As it turns out,
00:03:15.520 --> 00:03:17.639
it was a big firework show, but not in the way
00:03:17.639 --> 00:03:20.479
that it was planned. Lightning struck the setup
00:03:20.479 --> 00:03:23.699
and it just, everything just exploded. It blew
00:03:23.699 --> 00:03:26.740
everything up. Damn. Yeah, kind of wild, man.
00:03:26.979 --> 00:03:29.659
Damn. I know. Beginning, middle, and end all
00:03:29.659 --> 00:03:32.599
in one shot. So, and here in Florida, so I know
00:03:32.599 --> 00:03:34.080
you folks that don't live in Florida, you've
00:03:34.080 --> 00:03:36.759
heard about Florida man and Florida shit and
00:03:36.759 --> 00:03:40.719
it's all true. So, on every fucking corner, we
00:03:40.719 --> 00:03:43.780
have a firework stand. I think the only regulation
00:03:43.780 --> 00:03:46.060
is you buy the fireworks and you stop launching
00:03:46.060 --> 00:03:47.979
them somewhere around 10 o 'clock at night. The
00:03:47.979 --> 00:03:50.280
fireworks started pretty early. You know, we
00:03:50.280 --> 00:03:51.819
got a lot of veterans around here. Of course,
00:03:51.819 --> 00:03:53.979
you know, they, they jump on the PTSD wagon.
00:03:53.979 --> 00:03:56.599
I got PTSD too, but I just don't see where it
00:03:56.599 --> 00:03:59.340
doesn't bother me at all. and my dogs don't get
00:03:59.340 --> 00:04:00.979
bothered by it. I understand those folks are
00:04:00.979 --> 00:04:02.979
out there, and I'm not trying to shit -talk you,
00:04:03.020 --> 00:04:04.620
but buy you some earplugs or something, man.
00:04:04.659 --> 00:04:07.759
I read on social media all this. I wish everybody
00:04:07.759 --> 00:04:09.840
would stop with the fireworks. I'm like, dude,
00:04:09.900 --> 00:04:11.240
it's Fourth of July, man. It's never going to
00:04:11.240 --> 00:04:12.639
stop. It's not going to stop. It's not going
00:04:12.639 --> 00:04:14.139
to stop this year. It didn't stop this year.
00:04:14.180 --> 00:04:15.699
It was here last year, and it'll be here next
00:04:15.699 --> 00:04:17.860
year. So prepare yourself for that. Drug your
00:04:17.860 --> 00:04:20.600
dogs up. Put some headphones on. Right. Give
00:04:20.600 --> 00:04:23.019
them that real good, what is it? I saw all these
00:04:23.019 --> 00:04:25.399
things. It's like after mom gives you the cheese,
00:04:25.480 --> 00:04:28.519
the special cheese on 4th of July. Fuck yeah.
00:04:29.740 --> 00:04:32.600
Give them the little gabapentin wrapped in some
00:04:32.600 --> 00:04:35.540
cheese. Call it a day. Listen, we had a good
00:04:35.540 --> 00:04:37.360
time. My cats didn't give a shit. It sounded
00:04:37.360 --> 00:04:39.670
like fucking Beirut. It was on like Donkey Kong.
00:04:39.889 --> 00:04:41.949
Yeah, it was crazy around here. I mean, luckily
00:04:41.949 --> 00:04:44.350
my cats are not scared of fireworks, so they're
00:04:44.350 --> 00:04:46.550
good. And the house we went to, they have two
00:04:46.550 --> 00:04:48.730
dogs and they were chill the whole time. So like,
00:04:48.790 --> 00:04:50.810
it's not everybody's, but I mean. Our dogs laid
00:04:50.810 --> 00:04:52.870
in our lap, Sammy, and we watched motherfucking
00:04:52.870 --> 00:04:56.170
Landman. We started that shit over from the beginning
00:04:56.170 --> 00:04:58.550
and started watching Landman. It is. Fucking
00:04:58.550 --> 00:05:00.730
spectacular. My only observation is this, and
00:05:00.730 --> 00:05:02.449
I agree with everything that both of you just
00:05:02.449 --> 00:05:05.350
said, but I don't get the two weeks before. So
00:05:05.350 --> 00:05:07.709
I guess they buy all the pre -fireworks and they
00:05:07.709 --> 00:05:09.910
have to fire those off two weeks before. And
00:05:09.910 --> 00:05:13.329
then the actual July 4th is their show that they
00:05:13.329 --> 00:05:15.569
put on, you know, because everyone puts on their
00:05:15.569 --> 00:05:18.629
own show. So we don't have that around here.
00:05:18.670 --> 00:05:20.930
People don't shoot them off. Because last night,
00:05:21.009 --> 00:05:22.949
a Sunday night, most people go to work Monday
00:05:22.949 --> 00:05:25.189
mornings, okay, for the folks that work. So Sunday
00:05:25.189 --> 00:05:27.709
night, it was relatively quiet up until... 10
00:05:27.709 --> 00:05:30.529
minutes until 10 p .m. Now, 10 p .m. is where
00:05:30.529 --> 00:05:32.269
they're not supposed to shoot them off at after
00:05:32.269 --> 00:05:35.230
10 p .m. So 10 minutes till 10 p .m., they started
00:05:35.230 --> 00:05:38.129
doing the loud boomer ones, the mortar ones.
00:05:38.410 --> 00:05:43.470
Boom! At which time I promptly opened up my bathroom
00:05:43.470 --> 00:05:46.110
window and yelled out, knock it off, you fucking
00:05:46.110 --> 00:05:48.850
asshole fucking losers, at the top of my lungs.
00:05:49.029 --> 00:05:52.209
And you know what? I never heard it anymore.
00:05:52.790 --> 00:05:56.089
Sometimes that works. They know what the law
00:05:56.089 --> 00:05:58.449
is. I'm just saying. Really? Around here, they
00:05:58.449 --> 00:06:00.230
don't start shooting them off like days ahead
00:06:00.230 --> 00:06:02.410
of time. They do them obviously 4th of July.
00:06:02.649 --> 00:06:04.810
There were a couple going off Saturday night
00:06:04.810 --> 00:06:07.069
as well, but I haven't heard anything since then.
00:06:07.110 --> 00:06:08.949
It's been pretty quiet. I think I heard some
00:06:08.949 --> 00:06:11.790
last night, just a little bit. Some kids probably
00:06:11.790 --> 00:06:13.589
said, oh, we got a little bit left over. Like,
00:06:13.689 --> 00:06:15.810
oh, look, mom, dad forgot about this one in the
00:06:15.810 --> 00:06:18.160
back of the closet. I'm trying to get Jake to
00:06:18.160 --> 00:06:20.079
produce more videos because I think videos king.
00:06:20.240 --> 00:06:22.160
But if you look at Sammy, you're going to guess,
00:06:22.360 --> 00:06:25.220
oh, she's a cute little 16 year old. She just
00:06:25.220 --> 00:06:28.660
has no wrinkles, no fucking at all. God, I wish.
00:06:29.079 --> 00:06:31.300
And then she's hanging out with a couple of fucking
00:06:31.300 --> 00:06:34.720
old guys. And Jake and I know we don't give a
00:06:34.720 --> 00:06:37.509
shit. I assure you. No. And I don't think we
00:06:37.509 --> 00:06:39.709
look that old for our age. I think we're both
00:06:39.709 --> 00:06:41.470
like 59 this year or something. And we have a
00:06:41.470 --> 00:06:43.430
tendency to sexually harass her. But, you know,
00:06:43.430 --> 00:06:45.550
she's okay with it. The good thing is I'm the
00:06:45.550 --> 00:06:49.490
closest thing to fucking HR that we have. Which
00:06:49.490 --> 00:06:52.649
ain't saying much. Hell no, it's not saying much.
00:06:52.649 --> 00:06:55.329
I am a fucking HR nightmare. Ask both my last
00:06:55.329 --> 00:06:59.189
companies that I was in. I'm a walking HR fuck
00:06:59.189 --> 00:07:02.529
up. And guess what else I don't care about? That.
00:07:03.030 --> 00:07:05.170
Yeah, but on the fourth whole episode, anything
00:07:05.170 --> 00:07:07.829
that Sammy wanted to do HR wise was out the window
00:07:07.829 --> 00:07:09.910
because she started talking about monster smut
00:07:09.910 --> 00:07:12.750
and then it was fucking game on. Split penis
00:07:12.750 --> 00:07:14.970
monster smut, folks. If you haven't listened
00:07:14.970 --> 00:07:17.329
to the fourth whole episode, you ain't living
00:07:17.329 --> 00:07:19.550
right. Just go do it. It's our raunchiest episode
00:07:19.550 --> 00:07:22.129
today. It is gnarly. They start, they're talking
00:07:22.129 --> 00:07:24.589
about things that men, we just, we had to close.
00:07:24.769 --> 00:07:26.649
Even at one point, Sammy said, we need to put
00:07:26.649 --> 00:07:28.550
a special content warning on this fucking episode.
00:07:30.910 --> 00:07:33.250
And she's not wrong. That was a funny episode,
00:07:33.350 --> 00:07:35.490
though, y 'all. I mean, listen, folks, here's
00:07:35.490 --> 00:07:37.769
the thing. You've heard us say it a hundred times.
00:07:37.889 --> 00:07:41.089
We do this shit for us as partially therapy.
00:07:41.410 --> 00:07:43.110
And it really does work, believe it or not. We
00:07:43.110 --> 00:07:46.079
look forward to this. talk more than just this
00:07:46.079 --> 00:07:47.920
show the two hours a week we've actually recorded
00:07:47.920 --> 00:07:50.819
twice this week well once on friday once today
00:07:50.819 --> 00:07:53.480
and then we chat we text each other we do all
00:07:53.480 --> 00:07:55.459
this stuff we truly are friends we love each
00:07:55.459 --> 00:07:57.420
other but i mean we like to fuck with each other
00:07:57.420 --> 00:07:59.439
and we come up with good shit that's just how
00:07:59.439 --> 00:08:01.480
that shit is we do it for us so anything we say
00:08:01.480 --> 00:08:03.759
that offends you we do not apologize we don't
00:08:03.759 --> 00:08:05.759
give a fuck we love you though and thanks for
00:08:05.759 --> 00:08:07.579
listening and i give less of a fuck today because
00:08:07.579 --> 00:08:09.480
i'm gonna fucking xanax right now so go fuck
00:08:09.480 --> 00:08:12.560
that motherfucking joke is joked up like y 'all
00:08:12.560 --> 00:08:14.170
if y 'all looked at it you're like It didn't
00:08:14.170 --> 00:08:16.629
look any different. This motherfucker was macking
00:08:16.629 --> 00:08:19.350
it on a Wendy's Baconator. Oh, that motherfucker
00:08:19.350 --> 00:08:22.089
was good. Breakfast sandwich, which is the shit.
00:08:22.550 --> 00:08:24.569
I may not even edit that out when you hear me
00:08:24.569 --> 00:08:28.430
chewing. Nom, nom, nom, nom. Just nom in the
00:08:28.430 --> 00:08:32.649
fuck out. Like it's a leg on a hog. So I had
00:08:32.649 --> 00:08:34.870
a what the fuck, but this is kind of a different
00:08:34.870 --> 00:08:36.710
one. I don't think we've done this kind of what
00:08:36.710 --> 00:08:39.529
the fuck up until this point. So this is one
00:08:39.529 --> 00:08:42.769
of those, yeah, what the fuck? I think I'll do
00:08:42.769 --> 00:08:45.570
it. A couple episodes ago, I think I talked about
00:08:45.570 --> 00:08:48.610
I was an extra on the TV show Nashville. Ah,
00:08:48.610 --> 00:08:52.129
yes. 2012, I believe. Well, the company that
00:08:52.129 --> 00:08:55.389
I went through to get that gig, I get emails
00:08:55.389 --> 00:08:58.610
from them all the time. I got one today. And
00:08:58.610 --> 00:09:02.190
next Monday, they're doing filming. I'm assuming
00:09:02.190 --> 00:09:04.730
it's going to be in the Nissan Stadium parking
00:09:04.730 --> 00:09:08.230
lot because it's for FanDuel, which is the sports
00:09:08.230 --> 00:09:10.730
betting. So I'm going to assume that it's Titans
00:09:10.730 --> 00:09:13.269
related. Maybe, I don't know. But they're looking
00:09:13.269 --> 00:09:16.830
for people between the ages of 25 and 55. Now,
00:09:16.889 --> 00:09:19.789
granted, I'm going to be 59, but they don't really
00:09:19.789 --> 00:09:22.289
ask for your age. They just want a face shot
00:09:22.289 --> 00:09:24.190
and they want a full body shot. And I think I
00:09:24.190 --> 00:09:26.169
could pass for 55. What do you guys think? 55?
00:09:26.350 --> 00:09:33.730
Doable? No fucking way, buddy. Donald! No, Jake,
00:09:33.870 --> 00:09:36.269
of course you could, yes. Now check this out.
00:09:36.289 --> 00:09:38.789
Here's the cool part. It's $300 for the shoot.
00:09:38.970 --> 00:09:41.649
Hell yeah. They say in there that it could be
00:09:41.649 --> 00:09:44.070
a 12 -hour day, which is what the Nashville gig
00:09:44.070 --> 00:09:46.049
was. It was a 12 -hour day. But I only got like
00:09:46.049 --> 00:09:49.149
$100 for that shit back then. $300 for 12 hours
00:09:49.149 --> 00:09:52.899
is not bad. And if they pick me... Next Monday,
00:09:52.980 --> 00:09:55.200
I'm going to be doing a video shoot for FanDuel
00:09:55.200 --> 00:09:58.019
and make fucking $300. So my initial thought
00:09:58.019 --> 00:10:00.659
was, what the fuck? Why not? Why not? $300 is
00:10:00.659 --> 00:10:03.659
$300. Plus, I'm going to imagine, I hope, because
00:10:03.659 --> 00:10:05.480
the first time I did, they had a catering thing.
00:10:05.899 --> 00:10:08.639
Well, this is tailgating. Tailgating, yeah. So
00:10:08.639 --> 00:10:11.340
there may be tailgating food, which I'm all about,
00:10:11.379 --> 00:10:13.700
like burgers, dogs, sausages. Fuck yeah, motherfucker.
00:10:14.019 --> 00:10:15.840
Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. So there's a different kind
00:10:15.840 --> 00:10:17.220
of what the fuck I don't think we've had on the
00:10:17.220 --> 00:10:19.679
show yet. What the fuck? Why not? So 12 hours,
00:10:19.799 --> 00:10:22.120
300, what is that? That's $25 an hour, brother.
00:10:22.279 --> 00:10:23.960
Yeah, hey. Yeah, that's not bad. I mean, that's
00:10:23.960 --> 00:10:26.720
for doing something fun, you know? Yeah, and
00:10:26.720 --> 00:10:29.679
you might get to see my mug on TV commercials
00:10:29.679 --> 00:10:32.080
for FanDuel. Hell yeah. We'd be watching football,
00:10:32.220 --> 00:10:34.440
and I'd be like, hey! That's Jake. I know that
00:10:34.440 --> 00:10:36.559
motherfucker. I know that bitch. That's right.
00:10:36.659 --> 00:10:38.860
But you've got to throw the hair back, like you're
00:10:38.860 --> 00:10:41.139
going on stage carrying your guitar. Yeah, or
00:10:41.139 --> 00:10:43.080
I might just let it down so I can look like a
00:10:43.080 --> 00:10:45.169
fucking rock star. Which I am anyway, but you
00:10:45.169 --> 00:10:47.149
know. Like a Pantene Pro -V commercial, just.
00:10:49.570 --> 00:10:51.529
Do the Paul Stanley hair. Hopefully I don't get
00:10:51.529 --> 00:10:56.490
hit by a duck. All right, Fabio. Y 'all know
00:10:56.490 --> 00:11:01.350
I watch YouTube a lot. I saw a short of this
00:11:01.350 --> 00:11:04.230
lady and some family members on a beach somewhere.
00:11:04.509 --> 00:11:09.649
I think it was Florida, maybe California. I don't
00:11:09.649 --> 00:11:12.409
know. One of the states. It's insane, really.
00:11:13.419 --> 00:11:16.340
No, she was a car. And when I say car, it was
00:11:16.340 --> 00:11:19.320
a four -door sedan. And it was one of those beaches
00:11:19.320 --> 00:11:21.120
where you're allowed to drive onto the sand.
00:11:21.240 --> 00:11:23.799
I remember in Texas, we could do that as well.
00:11:24.320 --> 00:11:27.299
Well, the caption on this short said basically
00:11:27.299 --> 00:11:29.940
that she ignored the signs, don't go past this
00:11:29.940 --> 00:11:32.320
point in a car. Well, she ignored that sign.
00:11:32.460 --> 00:11:35.059
And she was down into the fucking wet sand where
00:11:35.059 --> 00:11:37.279
the water was coming up. And then she was trying
00:11:37.279 --> 00:11:39.000
to back up. And then the more she was trying
00:11:39.000 --> 00:11:42.240
to put it in reverse. The more she dug in. The
00:11:42.240 --> 00:11:44.279
car was getting bogged down into the wet sand.
00:11:44.440 --> 00:11:46.480
Until finally her passengers in the back seat
00:11:46.480 --> 00:11:48.639
were like, fuck this, we're out of here. And
00:11:48.639 --> 00:11:51.500
the funny thing about it is she rolled down her
00:11:51.500 --> 00:11:53.259
window and people were yelling at her, get out
00:11:53.259 --> 00:11:55.460
of your car. And when she rolled down the window,
00:11:55.639 --> 00:11:58.639
guess what kind of hairstyle she had? A Karen.
00:11:58.659 --> 00:12:01.659
She had a Karen do. Of course she did. She had
00:12:01.659 --> 00:12:04.120
the Bob dude, the Karen dude. The entitled haircut.
00:12:04.340 --> 00:12:05.919
She was probably yelling for the beach manager
00:12:05.919 --> 00:12:09.220
at that point. Was it frosted? Oh, it was blonde,
00:12:09.379 --> 00:12:15.559
yes. Oh, yes. Yeah. That's the best. Yeah. Mm
00:12:15.559 --> 00:12:18.220
-mm. I guess it takes a certain personality.
00:12:18.419 --> 00:12:20.460
That's going to be an expensive tow. Yeah. It
00:12:20.460 --> 00:12:22.139
is what it is, I guess. People just don't listen.
00:12:22.240 --> 00:12:24.639
They're hard -headed. No. Karen. Nobody likes
00:12:24.639 --> 00:12:26.879
to listen to anybody about anything. This is
00:12:26.879 --> 00:12:28.840
a what -the -fuck episode that we didn't prepare
00:12:28.840 --> 00:12:31.299
for. Normally, Sunday nights is when we all email
00:12:31.299 --> 00:12:33.500
our ideas to each other. Yeah, we... But I think
00:12:33.500 --> 00:12:35.240
the general consensus was we were just going
00:12:35.240 --> 00:12:37.740
to wing it because they wanted to see how animated
00:12:37.740 --> 00:12:41.120
or unanimated Jake was going to be today. You've
00:12:41.120 --> 00:12:42.940
been pretty fucking animated, big dog. Which
00:12:42.940 --> 00:12:46.190
I like. Really? Okay. Yeah. Maybe I need to do
00:12:46.190 --> 00:12:46.929
Xanax more often.