Best Of the Chaos (So Far)

WEBVTT

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previously on what the fuck they did an ultrasound

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and when you're so early on they can do an abdominal

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but it's not as accurate so they have to do they

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call it transvaginal where you pretty much get

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a long nice it's like a giant dildo they stick

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up pretty much got a probe in it yeah so you

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get probed yeah so a very good time and so the

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the tech is like okay Very good time. The tech

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gets, you know, she's like, I'm going to extra

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lube it up for you. And, you know, and so, you

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know. Does the thing have a vibrator function

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on it? I wish. That baby be moving, I bet. It's

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massage therapy. Oh my God. But so, you know,

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she puts the long probe in and I'm covering everything.

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My husband's just sitting there. I was like,

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damn, I haven't had this much action since I've

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been pregnant. And my husband's like, oh my.

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My husband's like, what the fuck? In my cabin,

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I have these log beds. They're made. of logs.

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They're not dovetailed. There's screws involved

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and that sort of thing, but it's heavy duty logs.

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Heavy wood. And then cleaners will send pictures

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of any damage caused by guests or anything unusual

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requires extra cleaning. So I get this picture

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and this is a turn, which means people left at

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11. They got five hours to clean it at four o

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'clock. New guests are coming in. People coming

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in. Get it done. We got to get it looking brand

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spanking new, pristine by four o 'clock. They

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sent me a picture of this bed, and when I tell

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you the bed was twisted, the logs were distorted

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in a way that I cannot describe adequately. But

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this had never happened before. It's never happened

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since. Nobody had informed me about a problem

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with the bed. So I reach out to them, and I message

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the picture of this bed that is completely destroyed.

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And I said, hey, my bed is broken. What they

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said next was, what the fuck? At the pro level,

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huh? Oh, yeah. They said, what's the weight limit

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on that bed? When I was flying helicopters in

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the Navy, I had a little funny moment, and I

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was in training. Jet engine oil is called Millel

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23699. This shit will kill you. And I licked

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some off the side of the airplane, you know,

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off the helicopter, flying 860s. And we have

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these big doors wide open. We're cruising. This

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qualified crew chief looked at me like, you're

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an idiot, dude. I'm like, yeah, well, fuck off.

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And we're tough guys. But we were on final. We

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were going to get some gas, and we were going

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to go to the Piedmont line. So this is how long

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ago it was. I had met my future ex -wife there.

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I had puked out the door, and I had just eaten

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a big ham and cheese sub. And it went right out,

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and it came right back in, and it swirled. It

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was called the Flight of the Swirling Yak. One

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of our crew chiefs, Jim Gorthy. Oh, no. Did you

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say the Flight of the Swirling Yak? The Flight

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of the Swirling Yak. And Gorthy was a crew chief,

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a door gunner who'd been around for a long time.

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He drew a picture. He would draw things, pencil

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drawings. And that fucking picture is still out

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there floating around somewhere. Me and Sparky

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puked out that fucking door. It sent puke swirling

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through that fucking cabin all the way up, hit

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the windscreen, the whole thing, all of this

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fucking 860. Woman calls AAA during a standoff

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to fix... A tire that the police had just spiked.

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AAA ain't gonna cover that. 45 -year -old woman

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was arrested Wednesday and accused of leading

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police on a high -speed chase on I -70 and then

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calling for roadside assistance after the officer

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spiked her tire. They tried to spike her tire

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twice. They were successful the second time.

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She stopped the car. They're trying to get her

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to come out of the car. So it's a standoff, right?

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And they're telling her, hey, you're caught.

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I mean, just get out of your fucking car. While

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they're yelling at her through the bullhorn or

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whatever, she's on the fucking phone with AAA.

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hey, I got a flat tire. Can you guys come fix

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it? AAA transferred the call to the police, who

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in turn transferred the call to a trooper at

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the scene. I guess dispatch called the cops that

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had her pulled over at a standoff, and they were

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like, hey, this woman just called AAA to get

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her flat tire fixed. You guys pop. I'm trying

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to figure out the thought process that happens

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here. Well, there's probably a reason she was

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in a high -speed chase. She's not all there.

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Felony high -speed chase. She got fucking spiked

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and had the fucking balls to call AAA to come

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fix her tire while the cops are screaming at

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her. Possible shootout. I got to party with this

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chick. First dumbass mistake I ever made was

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gave him a dat tape with all of our music mixed

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on it. He walked out and didn't hear from him.

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Like two weeks. He was like, oh, yeah, they're

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going to love this. This is the fact that I'm

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working on it with you. We're getting it tailored

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to what I think they want. Two weeks go by. I

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don't hear back. You know, what's the deal? And

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it's starting to get closer to opening day for

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the Dodgers, right? And I would call the guy,

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finally got a hold of me. He goes, oh, well,

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you know what happened? They decided they were

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going to go with something else. And I'm like,

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oh, well, okay. Thanks. Thanks for giving it

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a shot with us. That's cool. I hung up the phone.

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I was just like, okay, well, whatever. We'll

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try to, you know, keep going. You don't let one

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door close and keep finding the right door. I'm

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a baseball fan. Opening day, I decide, okay,

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I'm going to watch the Dodger game. I'm not a

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Dodger fan. I'm a Cubs fan, but I'll watch the

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Dodger game. I'm sitting there. And guess what

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comes on? Oh, my God. I was afraid you were going

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to say that. And I said, what the fuck? That's

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our music they're playing. That is bullshit.

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If you order a Whopper or a Double Whopper, and

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if you don't tell them anything to change on

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it, it will come with onions, lettuce, tomatoes,

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mayo, you know, the whole nine yards, right?

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Onions just come automatically unless you tell

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them don't put onions on it. Right. Hey, let

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me get a Whopper. with no onions nine times out

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of ten they're not making that sandwich special

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for me they're taking one that's already been

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wrapped up they're gonna take the top bun off

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and they're gonna pick the onions off that's

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what they do you can argue with me all day long

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but that's what they do i've had it happen to

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me enough times where i order no onions in their

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first bite i could still taste the onion because

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that onion leaves a flavor trail behind that

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is unmistakable and i will gag and i will take

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the sandwich back and i'll be like make me another

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goddamn sandwich this time don't pick the onions

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off just put it together with no fucking onions

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oh yeah I'm getting animated now because how

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fucking hard is it to just make a sandwich, assemble

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it without onions? Sammy, were you taken aback

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when Don said, you know, that we call them old

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ladies? No, I've heard that terminology before.

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Yeah. Do you know what the other term is if you're

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not an old lady? If you're just a chick that

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hangs around the bikers, you know what we call

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them? I know I've heard it before, but I can't

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for the life of me remember right now. Sweet

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butt. Nice. If you're just a sweet butt, then

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that means you're fair game to anyone. But if

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you're an old lady, that's fucking hands off.

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Never touch a man's motorcycle or his old lady.

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Trust you with my wife, but not my motorcycle

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or my wife. Yeah. Hey, this is David from Walmart.

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A pre -authorized purchase of PlayStation 5 with

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special edition and Pulse 3D headset is being

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ordered from your Walmart account for an amount

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of $919 .45 to cancel your order or to connect

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with one of our customer support representatives.

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Please press 1. That's not how much a PlayStation

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5 costs, but okay. And this scam has been going

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around word for word for a long time, like probably

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since the PS5s were unavailable for the first

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two years, right? So I've been meaning to call

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this guy back. So I want to talk to David, first

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of all. So I'm going to be that idiot. I'm going

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to be like, I need to talk to David. So get David

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on the phone. Of course, they'll probably put

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me on hold, and then I'll probably get some Pakistani

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whose name is David. Because that's totally believable.

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Right. And I'm going to tell him, look, I got

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your voicemail, but there is no problem. I did

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order that PS5 with the headset. And it's here.

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I got it already. And I already got it. What's

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the problem? Why are you sending me a voicemail?

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I want to see what they say. Yeah, I already

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got it, dude. I've been fucking with it today,

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dude, all day. I've been playing Call of Duty

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all day, every day, bruh. Heard. Yeah, so what's

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the problem? I'm Jake Jacobs, and you're listening

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to What The Fuck. Hey, y 'all, this is Jake coming

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at you today without the Don and without Sammy.

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The Don is on an Alaskan cruise on a cruise ship.

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He calls it the the old dude cruise. We will

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catch up with Don next week. And Sammy is busy

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being a super mom. And I've been kind of busy

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dealing with bullshit with the V .A. as usual.

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But we will get the gang back together next week.

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I promise. So enjoy this episode as just a little

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bit of a mid -season recap, and we'll see you

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guys next week.